Angie's Advice: Space

Dear Angie,
Over the past few decades, our nation has spent billions of dollars on the space program. Okay, so putting a man on the moon was pretty cool. And I wouldn’t want to even think about life without velcro. But what other contributions has NASA made to society? Is the cost worth it?
Sincerely,
Not So Starry-Eyed

Dear Starry,
Many people aren’t aware of the numerous benefits of a vibrant space program. Including me--so if you’ve heard of any, let me know.

Just kidding, space fans! There are lots of benefits--lots! For example, you have NASA to thank for these:

1. Freeze-dried ice cream (available in chocolate, vanilla, and the ever-popular Neapolitan)

2. The term “A-OK”

3. The hit movie Apollo 13, starring Tom Hanks

4. Jokes about wacky mix-ups involving the metric system and lost Mars-bound spacecrafts

5. Hmm, let’s see…

Wait, here we go. From thespaceplace.com:

6. Enriched baby food. These aren’t your grandmother’s mashed-with-a-fork style bananas. No, these are mashed-up bananas that cost much, much more.

7. Ribbed swimsuit. Move over Land’s End--somebody else is moving into the quality swimwear market! A great choice for those who burn easily, since every square inch of skin is entombed in a thick thermal-protective garment. Matching oxygen tank also available.

8. Wedding Sensor System. While I can’t imagine what the application might be for this technology, I’m sure brides everywhere will want to add it to their gift registries and…hold on a minute. My mistake. That should be Welding Sensor System. Well, what the heck, brides--go ahead and register for one of these, too!

And if that isn’t enough, here’s the granddaddy of benefits:

9. The three-dimensional semiconductor cubing package. Bet you didn’t know you had NASA to thank for that one.

I think you’ll agree, Starry, that the billions of dollars you mentioned is money well spent. So open up that velcro-sealed wallet of yours, pay those taxes, and be assured that everything is A-OK!
------

Dear Angie,
The other day someone asked me whether I rigidly held to Hubble’s law of redshift in determining vast galactic distances, or whether I considered the photon half-life as a possible explanation for wavelength anomalies.

Sure, there was a time I would have felt passionately about this issue, but I just don’t know anymore. What should my answer have been?
Sincerely,
Spaced Out

Dear Spaced,
Before I respond to your question, let me first express my surprise. Perhaps you weren’t aware that it’s your duty as American to have an opinion on everything--and to express it using slogans, taunts, and oversimplification of the opposing view. So, in light of this (no pun intended!), here is my position on the matter (sorry!)

First, let me suggest a slogan: “Red Star, Very Far.”

You’ll notice that while it has very little to do with the actual content of the debate, it does rhyme.

Here’s one that introduces the element of mockery, essential in any debate: “Half-Lifer, Half-Wit!”

And, finally, a slogan that lends itself nicely to being chanted by angry astrophsicists: “Hey, hey, ho, ho, Hubble’s strict interpretation of cosmological redshift’s got to go!”

Well, there you have it. And to you scientists who object to the flippant trajectory I’ve taken with this issue, I apologize. In the future, I’ll try to treat the subject of cosmology with more gravity.

Thanksgiving Fare--or Not Fair

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The following humor column appears in the November 2006 issue of "Suburban Scene" magazine (a local magazine distributed in Anne Arundel County, Maryland).

Have an enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday--and don't forget to help Mom with clean-up.

Thanksgiving Fare--or Not Fair
by Angie Brennan

Okay, whose idea was it to invent a holiday where we spend half the day cooking a meal no one really wants and the other half cleaning it up? And of course, when I say “we” I mean “Mom.” And how is it that Dad gets out of dish clean-up duty year after year? Maybe it started long ago, at the very first Thanksgiving…

The meal was over, Squanto had gone home, and Goodman Smythe was helping his wife in the kitchen. As he scrubbed the heirloom china turkey platter--his wife’s only precious tie with the world they had left behind--he dreamt of a day when the colony would have more than enough food for the winter, sturdy shelters for all, and its own professional football team. Suddenly the platter slipped from his hands, hit the floor, and shattered.

Goody Smythe whirled around and glared at her husband with a mixture of anger and exasperation. “Go!” quoth she in a fearful voice, “Prithee, leave my kitchen--lest ye bring about more harm than help!” Goodman Smythe hurried into the living room, smiling furtively, and settled onto the couch where he spent the rest of the afternoon in front of the television--which wasn’t all that interesting since electricity hadn’t been invented yet. Still, it beat doing dishes.

But enough history--let’s talk about cranberries. What, exactly, is the point? Year after year that unsightly gelatinous mass of cranberry sauce appears at the table. It’s like someone created a festive jiggling centerpiece made of internal organs. Maybe it’s that we find something comforting about those familiar Thanksgiving foods. A little too familiar, perhaps, since it’s probably the same bowl of cranberry sauce nobody ate last year.

Then we have the green beans. It’s a fine concept--serving a healthful holiday vegetable. But don’t pretend you’re engaging in any nutritional heroics with green beans, since they’re edible only when swimming in lard (the green beans, not the eater). I think everyone would be happier if we just dropped the charade and served up a casserole of cream of mushroom soup mixed with cheddar cheese topped with sour cream and crushed corn flakes--and left the green beans out of it.

Of course, we can always look forward to pumpkin pie at the end of the meal. But let’s face it, pumpkin pie isn’t exactly the temptress of the dessert world. It’s not like you see restaurants offering “Triple-Pumpkin Decadence” or “Death by Pumpkin.”

At least the turkey is usually pretty good. Remember how delicious those pre-meal “stolen” pieces of turkey tasted when you were a child? You aren’t still fooling yourself about how sneaky you were, are you? Recall that after you got bored with fighting with your sister and dismantling the decorative cornucopia on the dining room table, you spent the next three hours complaining about how starving you were. If your mother hadn’t allowed you to sneak that turkey and get a little protein into your system, she would have been after you with the carving knife instead of the turkey.

But whatever our Thanksgiving fare might be, once the meal is over we can look around at the smiling, contented faces of family and loved ones gathered around the table and say, with one voice, “Sorry I can’t help with dishes, Mom--I’ll be in the bathroom.” Except for Dad, who’s already staked out his place on the couch.

Today in History; Tomorrow a Pie Piece

Every once in a while it’s a good idea to pause and consider some of the turning points of history. In doing so, we can learn from the successes and mistakes of those who came before. It helps us appreciate how our lives have been affected by developments in technology, medicine, and other areas. And it’s something to do when you’re trying to avoid raking leaves.

Sure, we could stand back and admire the broad strokes on the canvas of time, but what about the detailed brushwork of everyday life? That’s where “this day in history” lists come in handy. For example, did you know that on this day in the year 1849, the first poultry show opened in Boston? If you’re like me, there’s nothing you’d rather do on November 15th than watch a group of chickens perform light musical comedy, but no doubt you’ve wondered when this tradition began.

Or this: on November 15, 1937, the U.S. congressional session was held in air-conditioned chambers for the first time. (“Well, gentlemen, the heat of the afternoon is upon us, but with this new miracle we can continue to levy taxes far into the evening.” “Hear, hear!”)

Though you won’t find most of these historical tidbits in textbooks, they’re no less important. Well, maybe slightly less important. Okay--so they’re really of no use except for winning a yellow pie piece in Trivial Pursuit. But perhaps you’d rather head outside and start tackling that lawn work? I thought not.

Back to the history lesson….do you know what happened on November 15, 1492? If you paid even the slightest bit of attention in seventh grade history class, you must not have gone to my school since, as I recall, we spent most of our time passing notes. But for the rest if you, 1492 should bring to mind the famous French explorer Christopher Columbus.*

*Note: To those who feel compelled to inform me that Christopher Columbus was not French: calm down and cancel that e-mail. It was just a little joke! Of course I learned in seventh grade (from Melissa, two rows over, who described in the same note a “really gross guy” who tried to sit by her on the bus) that Columbus was Greek.

It was on this day, 514 years ago, that Christopher Columbus gave us the first written record of tobacco. No doubt you’ve heard the children’s ditty about his voyage; the events of November 15th are also memorialized in a poem:

In fourteen hundred ninety-two
Columbus saw the natives chew.

He grabbed his journal; his pen did fly.
“This leaf,” he wrote, “is for to die.”

He liked the taste; he liked the smell,
The sailors were impressed as well.

On that fall day their dream came true,
You never saw a happier crew.

“By R.J. Reynolds!” Chris declared,
“E’en though lung function be impaired,

“Though health insurance rates may soar
And smokers file lawsuits galore,

“This wondrous leaf shall be extolled!
(Especially when it’s dried and rolled).”

Did Chris find India? No, not quite.
“Oh, well,” he shrugged. “You got a light?”

So next time your child asks, “Why do I have to memorize these all these dates? What’s the point of studying history, anyway?” you can smile knowingly and reply, “Beats me. Now go out and rake the leaves.”

Doc W's Food for Thought

Wait! Before you take another bite…what are you eating and, more importantly, why?

These are questions marketing professor and “food psychologist” Brian Wansink would like to answer. Dr. Wansink and his team of researchers at Cornell University have been attempting to uncover the hidden motivations behind our eating habits…and they’re not above using a little Beefaroni along the way.

In one experiment, test subjects were asked to eat a plate of Beefaroni and vegetables. Only thing is, the scientific snack was first “accidentally” coughed on by a researcher in front of the test subject. Dr. Wansink discovered that, under these circumstances, people were actually inclined to eat less. Future experiments may include sneezing in the test subject’s bowl of minestrone or singing “Danny Boy” into the subject’s plate of french-style green beans. Results should give us valuable data about the workings of the human mind--assuming participants don’t dump their food onto researchers before stomping out of the room.

According to a review of his recently published book, Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think, Dr. Wansink’s research reveals other insightful food-related observations. Take this one: an open candy dish in your home or office makes it more likely that you will snack on the contents---even when you aren’t hungry. Hold onto your hats and put the lids on your candy dishes, America--the world of nutritional psychology is about to be shaken to its foundations!

Some of the findings have useful everyday applications, such as the one suggesting that a brownie served on a plate of fine china is perceived as being tastier and more expensive than the same brownie placed on a napkin.

I can see it now…

“Why, Louise, what a lovely luncheon you prepared for the Ladies’ Bridge Club. I feel as though I’ve just had afternoon tea at Buckingham Palace! It must have taken you forever to make everything.”

“Thank you, Marsha, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: it took me hardly any time at all. I simply served the food on the heirloom china that once belonged to my great-aunt Harriet. That was no gourmet lunch.”

“You mean--”

“That’s right, Louise--you just ate stale Cheetos and Vienna sausage.”

“No! Who would have thought…but what about those luscious, buttery rolls? Surely they were--”

“Nothing more than balled up slices of Wonder Bread.”

“Amazing!”

“But not a word to the other ladies.”

“No, no, of course not.”

“Now, if you wouldn’t mind, I could use a hand serving dessert.”

“Of course! Ah, authentic Italian gelato.”

“Or so it would seem, Marsha. Actually, it’s slightly frozen chocolate pudding served in expensive crystal parfait glasses.”

“Ha, ha! I’ve got to hand it to you, Louise, you certainly didn’t knock yourself out with lavish food preparations!”

So what can we learn from Dr. Wansink’s observations? Simply this: that the mind is an endlessly fascinating subject for study; that by probing deeply into our subconscious we may gain greater control over our habits and behavior; and that if you want your guests to finish their food, avoid hacking on it in their presence. Even Aunt Harriet’s china won’t save that meal.