What to Do When the Lights Go Out

Dear Valued Customer,

Here at Central Electric Company, it’s our job to ensure the regular and safe delivery of electricity to your home. Occasionally, that service is interrupted due to circumstances beyond our control. Should this occur, we will do whatever is necessary to restore your power as quickly as possible--unless, of course, we’re talking about climbing out of bed at 3:30 a.m. in the bitter cold.

Please do not call us every ten minutes once you have reported your power outage. We here at Central Electric don’t enjoy being nagged any more than you do. Should you have the urge to contact us repeatedly, simply read out loud the following message:

“This is Central Electricity Power Company. Your power outage has been reported. Please be assured that we are currently working to correct the problem. We anticipate your power being restored by…unknown. Thank you for calling. To hear this message again, press one.”

Here are some things to keep in mind until your electricity is restored:

• Better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness. Usually.

• However great the temptation, do not--we repeat--DO NOT open your refrigerator. Not even real quick to grab a Diet Coke.

• It’s mealtime and you can’t use your microwave, your oven, or your electric stove. So what’s for dinner? Here are a couple of our “cabinet to table” favorites:

Cereal

Pour cereal into bowl. Get a spoon. Stop! Remember--the milk stays where it is. While your molars are working to pulverize dried granola, you might want to take a moment to reevaluate that letter to the editor you recently wrote. The one where you complain about Central Electric’s rate increase. You get what you pay for, my friend. Just a thought.

Choco-Sandwich

Measure out 1/2 cup whitish-mottled chocolate chips that haven’t been pulled out of the cabinet in, oh, probably a year. Place chips inside a slice of bread. Fold bread over and enjoy. No doubt a few chocolate chips will end up on the floor…just leave them. You can grope around in the dark for them when you get hungry later. Sort of makes you thankful that Central Electric usually keeps things running smoothly, doesn’t it? Sort of makes you reconsider the idea that we’re committing “highway robbery” with our reasonable rate adjustment, doesn’t it?

Okay, so you’ve had dinner. Now what? Can’t watch a movie. Can’t go online. You could read for awhile using one of those cheap book lights--if you don’t mind a headache. Of course, you probably already have a headache from caffeine withdrawal. Try chewing a few coffee beans until you’re able to use the coffee maker again.

Speaking of being “full of beans,” your bitter rant accusing Central Electric of doing whatever we can “to keep rate hikes continually soaring upward while customer service wallows in mediocrity” was quite a study in eloquent ignorance. As for your hinting that we’ve acted behind the scenes to keep out competition--consider the possibility that, on this issue, you might be a bit “in the dark.” Would hate for you to remain that way, if you get our drift.

HURRAY--THE LIGHTS ARE BACK ON! WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?

Welcome back to the power grid! You’ll want to make a cup of coffee immediately, of course. Then go ahead and sweep up those chocolate chips. As for next on the list, why not consider writing another letter to the editor? But this time, one that explores the idea of electricity as the life-blood of the body politic. Which man, when the health of his blood is in danger, wouldn’t be willing to part with all his worldly possessions to be restored? And yet the body politic would complain about a 40% increase to be phased in over the next 12 months for its life blood? Pretty pathetic, don’t you agree? Aren’t you glad you’ve finally “seen the light?”

We hope this letter has been helpful. Should you have any questions, please feel free to re-read it.

Sincerely,

Your Electric Company

Central Electric: We’ve Got the Power!

Do-it-Yourself Demotivation

You've probably heard of Despair, Inc., right? "Despair introduced the world," says their website, "to a darkly insightful line of motivational poster parodies know simply as Demotivators®." You can view their posters here.

One of my favorites: photo of a handshake with the text: "Consulting: If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem."

I recently learned from Scrambled Toast that Despair now invites you to create your own Demotivator.

Here are the ones I created. Click on the image to enlarge. Happy Demotivating!

Mumbo Jumbo Delivery

The following appeared in "The Crofton News-Crier" (Maryland) earlier this month.

Mumbo Jumbo Delivery
by Angie Brennan

The other night I ordered a pizza. When the delivery guy arrived, he shoved the box toward me with a muttered “Gddulkfrrzt.” I waited for him to elaborate. He didn’t.

“Excuse me?” I asked after a moment. “Lkgfrzt,” he explained, peering into his shirt pocket. Not having had many conversations like this, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond.

After he thrust his hands into the pockets of his jeans I decided I must either be witnessing some sort of new pizza delivery entertainment, or else he was searching for the credit card receipt. My second guess was correct.

“Ssnr,” he said, slapping the receipt and a pen on top of the pizza box. That one I figured out. I signed it and handed it back to him. “Nnks,” he muttered, “Hvgdvng.” “You have a good evening, too,” I replied, proud of myself for breaking the Domino’s Code.

Okay, look--I didn't expect the guy to articulate as if he were delivering a Shakespeare soliloquy instead of a large pepperoni. But would it have been too much to ask for an extra topping of vowels?

Of course, sometimes there’s a good reason for mumbling. You know what I’m talking about: a friend asks how you like her new haircut. Once you realize it’s a serious question you think better of your initial reaction, which is that you’ve seen better hairdos on schnauzers. Mumbling may come to the rescue here. Your friend might interpret “Itlksrg” as “It looks really good” when you’re actually saying “It’s like road kill.”

Mumbling isn’t the only speech misdemeanor being committed these days. There’s also the filler word/groan syndrome (“If you act now and, uh, buy my product, I'll throw in a product of, um, little or no value.”) and the gratuitous “like” (“Sounds great! I’m, like, totally in the market for products right now!”)

In these days of quick e-mails and text messaging with their cryptic word-compressions (“ru free 2 nite? 1 2 c a movie? call L8r, k?”) and abbreviations (LRRHBOIMMNOLSIAW--“laughing really, really hard but only in my mind, not out loud, since I’m at work”), it’s no wonder our speech skills have become a little rusty.

That doesn’t mean we all need to become professional orators. On the other hand, a little dramatic soliloquy on the part of the pizza guy might have been kind of fun. Something along the lines of:

"To tip, or not to tip: that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler to give your usual buck
Regardless of the fact that the pizza’s late
And your Canadian bacon has gone cold,
Or to refuse me your pitiful dollar
Which won’t exactly pay my apartment rent.
Too cheap; perchance you might try two dollars
Next time and see if your service improves.
For the pizza deliverer braves rain, wind---"

On second thought, maybe I'd prefer the mumbling after all.

Lending an Ear to the Broker-Hearted

My friend dabbed tears from her eyes as she began her story. “It’s about this guy,” she said, sniffling. “At first I tried to ignore it, but I can’t fool myself any longer. He doesn’t call or send me notes like he used to. No more little gifts. I guess he got what he wanted. I know I’m not the first one to experience this, but it--it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

I handed her another tissue. “There’s really nothing I can say to take away the pain,” I replied. “It’s hard when a relationship with a boyfriend goes sour. But as a poet once said, ‘tis better to have--’”

“Boyfriend?” she interrupted, looking up in surprise. “Who said anything about a boyfriend? I’m talking about my mortgage broker.”

It’s an age-old story. You get a flier in the mail with “BAD CREDIT??” in bold red letters. “We can help--call today!!!” And so you do.

Leo (we’ll call him Leo) is attentive, friendly, and helpful. He provides the “personal touch,” just like his complimentary refrigerator magnet says. At first, everything is wonderful. You talk and laugh, together exploring possible loan options including conventional, jumbo, second home, and FHA. You’ll never forget the time that Leo, with eyes shining, urged you to consider the possible benefits—as well as pitfalls—of negative amortizations. How brave and handsome he looked in his loan officer’s uniform!

And then comes the closing.

Two days go by and you don’t hear from him. “It’s all right,” you think, “Leo just needs a little breathing room. He’ll be back to maintain and solidify the relationship built during the transaction--the magnet said so.”

Another week goes by—then a month. You wonder if perhaps it was all simply a beautiful dream. Eventually you’re able to admit it to yourself: you aren’t the first. You realize that Leo is drawn toward the desperate, the vulnerable--in short, those with credit history problems. That’s when you know it’s time to let go.

I studied my friend as she clutched a floppy round jar gripper featuring the broker’s office, cell, and fax numbers. “You’ll only make it worse by keeping those giveaways,” I said. “Throw out the little calendars and cheap ball-point pens printed with his logo. You need to move on.”

She sighed and gazed at the gripper for one long moment before handing it to me. “Here,” she said. “I can’t do it. Maybe you could throw it out after I leave.” I nodded, making a mental note that it would also make a handy coaster.

“Remember,” I said, patting her arm, “no matter what may happen, you’ll always have the pre-qualification. And someday--when it’s time to refinance--he’ll be back.”

A Laptop in Every Backpack

Let’s say you were going to contribute around a hundred dollars toward something that would be of great educational benefit for a child in an undeveloped nation. Would you spend it on:

a. A kit of basic supplies including notebook and blank paper, pencils, a calculator, paints, a dictionary, and a globe?

b. Building materials to help construct a school?

c. A “starter” laptop that will enable a child to learn chat, gaming, and googling skills?

If you chose answer c, give yourself a w00t and go to the head of the class!

A non-profit association, One Laptop Per Child, is making efforts to develop and distribute moderately-priced laptop computers to nations around the world. The laptops, which will have 512 MB of storage (flash) and 128 MB of RAM, will be sold to governments and issued to school children. They may be small on storage capacity, but they’re big on fun! (the laptops, not the governments).

You might wonder who’s helping to fund this project...who would invest millions of dollars to see to it that kids learn the basics of computer/internet use? One sponsor is an entity whose name is virtually synonymous with the word “search”: U.S. airport security.

No, no. I’m talking, of course, about Google. They, along with other organizations, are making sure that a whole generation of kids will be able to learn the value of information, of connectivity, and of including AdSense on their websites.

Nicholas Negroponte, founder and chairman of OLPC, brought 50 laptops to a rural school in Cambodia a few years ago. The result? “The first English word those kids learned was ‘Google,’” he said, “because that’s where they were spending all their time.” Enough said.

The OLPC units aren’t actually in mass production yet, so in the meantime, here are a few other ideas:

• One iPhone Per Child: comes pre-loaded with the complete set of Schoolhouse Rock classics including I’m Just a Bill, and Conjunction Junction. What else might a student do with an iPhone? Snap a quick picture of the answer key while walking by the teacher’s desk; use SMS messaging to let friends know the cute boy finally said “hi;” watch YouTube videos when geometry class gets a little slow; call up Al Gore to thank him for inventing the internet…the applications are only limited by the student’s imagination!

• One Mocha Frappuccino Per Child: Hand ‘em out first thing in the morning, teachers, and “jump-start” those young brains. Watch their eyes glow with the excitement of learning! Or possibly from a caffeine/sugar high!

• One Blog Per Child: One of the precious gifts of education is gaining access to a wide and rich vocabulary that can be used to make insightful observations about life. But blogging is more fun.

So is it a worthy goal to share technology with those who might not otherwise be able to afford it? Certainly. Will the OLPC project make a significant contribution toward the educational development of children around the world?

I’ll let Indian Department of Education Secretary Sudeep Banerjee answer that question. Secretary Banerjee, who more or less asked the OLPC solicitor to please take India off their list, wrote that the project “may actually be detrimental to the growth of creative and analytical abilities of the child….We need classrooms and teachers more urgently than fancy tools.”

And I’ll bet he didn’t need a laptop to determine that.

Searching for Turkey in All the Wrong Places

What brings you here today? What is it you're really searching for?

Something pretty bizarre, if my data is any indication.

My site statistic tool lists words and phrases people have used in Google, MSN, and other search engines that led them to my site. Most of the time the search phrases are ones you'd expect, such as "Angie Brennan," "humor blog," or "nasa turkey invent."

Yes, somebody actually landed on my site via that last search string. I've already spent way too much time wondering about it. For example, did they have in mind the country or the poultry? Whichever it was, I feel almost sure NASA didn't have anything to do with its invention. Maybe they were shopping for NASA Turkey™, freeze-dried and sold in astronaut-adorned foil packages, right next to the freeze-dried ice cream. Thanksgiving dinner has never been easier!

Or how about this search: "slogans for lip balm." I know the searcher must have been disappointed at the obvious lack of lip balm-related marketing data at my site. I feel I ought to come up with a few slogans, just in case this sort of thing happens again:

• Heard about Brennan Lip Balm? My lips are sealed.

• Chops Chapped? Choose Brennan Lip Balm.

• Pamper your puckerer with Brennan Lip Balm!

Yet another baffling phrase involving a bird: "wait humor pigeon." I'd love to hear the story behind that one. Maybe somebody received a pigeon for Christmas and was wondering if he should hold off a certain period of time before attempting to amuse it. Crazy, you say? Perhaps. But there just aren't many good explanations for a search like that.

Sometimes a searcher simply wants a question answered. For example: "do trousers matter?" I'll probably never know what conclusion they came to, but if it's not too late to add my two cents, I'd have to respond with a resounding "Yes--they matter very much."

Another clothing-related search: "how to address inappropriate dress." I'm no expert, but here's how I might go about it: "Young lady, if you think you're going to wear that artificial pine cone centerpiece on your head while we go to Aunt Ethel's birthday party, you are greatly mistaken!"

This search hit close to home: "I need a name for my humorous column." Don't we all, my friend; don't we all.

Here's one that far too few of us have ever taken time to google: "poems about busy bodies." I offer my contribution to the genre below.

The Ballad of the Busybody

The Busybody's deep concern
Is wondrous to behold.
Each passing day her interest grows
In hearing of the cares and woes
Of one and all; she'll not repose
'Til nothing's left untold.

The Busybody has advice
For people near and far.
And getting wind of others' feuds
She jumps right in and soon concludes
That, although modesty precludes,
She'll act as Conflict Czar.

The Busybody's helping hands
Reach out to everyone.
But when she seeks some good to do,
Collecting gossip false and true
And, smiling, offers help to you,
You'd best turn tail and run.

Of course now that I've posted this, googlers are even more likely to end up at my site using some of these unusual search terms. So to those of you who arrived here by way of "wait humor pigeon," let me just say: thank you for stopping by. And my guess would be that after about two weeks it should be safe to begin introducing knock-knock jokes to your pigeon. Or your turkey, for that matter.