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Dear Angie: Figuring Out the Fair Sex
Dear Angie: I’m not sure what the rule is these days regarding holding
doors open. As a male, is it polite or demeaning for me to open a door for a
woman? I’ve gotten to where I sneak into a building by locating an
unlocked back window and slipping through rather than face the door
dilemma. What’s the answer? —Portal-Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: There is no hard and fast rule here. It really depends on the point
of view of the woman attempting to enter (or exit, as the case may be) the
building. The safest thing to do is to make everyone happy by holding open the
door while loudly exclaiming, “I think I’ll just pause here a moment and think
about all the amazing accomplishments of Women this past century! Not only are
Women these days successfully able to handle a family, a career, and many
interesting and intellectually-stimulating hobbies, but they are also quite equal to
the task of pulling heavy things, such as, let’s say, a door into a commercial
establishment! Well, what do you know—it looks like everyone has passed right
through this while I’ve been standing here musing…not that a woman couldn’t
have held this door open it just as well!”
On second thought, maybe you should stick with the back window thing.
Dear Angie: The other day a group of co-workers was going out to lunch. I
happened to be the only woman in the group. As we were leaving the office,
one of men said, “Come on, guys, let’s go to Cosgillian’s Deli today.” I felt
slightly offended, but didn’t say anything. Was I being over-sensitive?
–Just One of the Guys
Dear One: (I hope my calling you that won’t make you uncomfortable): Yes, I
think you were being a little sensitive, though a deli wouldn’t be my first choice
either. I usually prefer a good burger or a slice of pizza. And what sort of name is
Cosgillian? That’s the part I find most disturbing.
Dear Angie: I’ve noticed lately that my wife seems to be eating more dessert
than usual, and it’s beginning to show. It’s not that it bothers me—I mean,
she’d be beautiful to me no matter what! But right now our finances are
getting about as tight as her jeans. Ha, ha! No, really, it’s not like I notice it
that much. It’s just that it might not be good for her to go and spend a lot of
money on new “women’s size” clothes right now, that’s all. So how can I
explain this to her delicately? --Clothes Call
Dear Clothes: Besides money, there is also the issue of health. Of yours, that is, if
you insist on having this discussion with your wife. If I were you, I’d just enjoy the
extra helpings of cheesecake with her. Then you can both hit the outlet mall to
shop for your new clothes.
Dear Angie: I’m not sure what the rule is these days regarding holding
doors open. As a male, is it polite or demeaning for me to open a door for a
woman? I’ve gotten to where I sneak into a building by locating an
unlocked back window and slipping through rather than face the door
dilemma. What’s the answer? —Portal-Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: There is no hard and fast rule here. It really depends on the point
of view of the woman attempting to enter (or exit, as the case may be) the
building. The safest thing to do is to make everyone happy by holding open the
door while loudly exclaiming, “I think I’ll just pause here a moment and think
about all the amazing accomplishments of Women this past century! Not only are
Women these days successfully able to handle a family, a career, and many
interesting and intellectually-stimulating hobbies, but they are also quite equal to
the task of pulling heavy things, such as, let’s say, a door into a commercial
establishment! Well, what do you know—it looks like everyone has passed right
through this while I’ve been standing here musing…not that a woman couldn’t
have held this door open it just as well!”
On second thought, maybe you should stick with the back window thing.
Dear Angie: The other day a group of co-workers was going out to lunch. I
happened to be the only woman in the group. As we were leaving the office,
one of men said, “Come on, guys, let’s go to Cosgillian’s Deli today.” I felt
slightly offended, but didn’t say anything. Was I being over-sensitive?
–Just One of the Guys
Dear One: (I hope my calling you that won’t make you uncomfortable): Yes, I
think you were being a little sensitive, though a deli wouldn’t be my first choice
either. I usually prefer a good burger or a slice of pizza. And what sort of name is
Cosgillian? That’s the part I find most disturbing.
Dear Angie: I’ve noticed lately that my wife seems to be eating more dessert
than usual, and it’s beginning to show. It’s not that it bothers me—I mean,
she’d be beautiful to me no matter what! But right now our finances are
getting about as tight as her jeans. Ha, ha! No, really, it’s not like I notice it
that much. It’s just that it might not be good for her to go and spend a lot of
money on new “women’s size” clothes right now, that’s all. So how can I
explain this to her delicately? --Clothes Call
Dear Clothes: Besides money, there is also the issue of health. Of yours, that is, if
you insist on having this discussion with your wife. If I were you, I’d just enjoy the
extra helpings of cheesecake with her. Then you can both hit the outlet mall to
shop for your new clothes.
| C O P Y R I G H T 2 0 0 6 ANGIE BRENNAN |
Dear Angie: Phone-y Conversaton
Dear Angie: The other day I was in line at the grocery store when the lady in
front of me answered her cell phone. She chatted briefly and then began to
talk about a car problem she's been having. After listening to her
description, I felt very strongly that the problem was her timing chain.
By the time she got off the phone, her groceries had been scanned and
bagged. I thought about giving the lady my diagnosis, but since I felt kind of
funny about eavesdropping I didn’t. I probably should have said something;
it might have helped her out. So what should I have done?
--The Mute Mechanic
Dear Mute: If one or more of the following items are true of a cell phone
conversation, it’s probably okay for you to comment on it.
The speaker:
1) Is talking loudly enough for anyone within a 25 foot range to hear, including
quick nose-blowing noises that usually indicate mild amusement or scorn
2) Is neither a law enforcement official nor a drug dealer. Congresspersons can be
approached about a conversation if it is clear they were not discussing possible
ethics violations at the time
3) The speaker is wondering aloud what to do with a recent 2.5 million dollar
lottery winning, making such remarks as, “If someone were to come up and ask
me for a hundred bucks right now, I’d probably go ahead and give them two
hundred!”
4) Is obviously struggling with the proper grammatical use of the commonly
confused verbs “lie” and “lay.” Try not to get angry when correcting the speaker;
remember that “lay” has been used incorrectly as an intransitive verb for many
centuries, so you aren’t going to stamp out this problem overnight.
5) Is speculating whether they could get away with sneaking into the “Twelve
Items or Fewer” aisle with 15 items. A citizen's arrest may be necessary in this
case.
In the special case of a cell phone conversationalist who seems to be talking about
you, things becomes a bit more tricky. If, for example, you hear the person on the
phone quietly remark, “I think the guy in front of me just shoplifted some gum,”
you may remain within the bounds of proper etiquette to respond with “I was not
shoplifting gum,” or “Hey, it was just sugarless,” etc.
As for your timing chain incident, don’t think of it as having missed an opportunity
to be helpful. In fact, you’ve probably done someone a great favor—specifically,
the car mechanic. In addition to the timing chain fix, he may be able to convince
the lady she needs to rotate the tires, replace the brake pads, and consider a new
transmission. And you’ll probably hear all about it during next week’s grocery trip,
if the lady remembers to bring along her cell phone.
Dear Angie: The other day I was in line at the grocery store when the lady in
front of me answered her cell phone. She chatted briefly and then began to
talk about a car problem she's been having. After listening to her
description, I felt very strongly that the problem was her timing chain.
By the time she got off the phone, her groceries had been scanned and
bagged. I thought about giving the lady my diagnosis, but since I felt kind of
funny about eavesdropping I didn’t. I probably should have said something;
it might have helped her out. So what should I have done?
--The Mute Mechanic
Dear Mute: If one or more of the following items are true of a cell phone
conversation, it’s probably okay for you to comment on it.
The speaker:
1) Is talking loudly enough for anyone within a 25 foot range to hear, including
quick nose-blowing noises that usually indicate mild amusement or scorn
2) Is neither a law enforcement official nor a drug dealer. Congresspersons can be
approached about a conversation if it is clear they were not discussing possible
ethics violations at the time
3) The speaker is wondering aloud what to do with a recent 2.5 million dollar
lottery winning, making such remarks as, “If someone were to come up and ask
me for a hundred bucks right now, I’d probably go ahead and give them two
hundred!”
4) Is obviously struggling with the proper grammatical use of the commonly
confused verbs “lie” and “lay.” Try not to get angry when correcting the speaker;
remember that “lay” has been used incorrectly as an intransitive verb for many
centuries, so you aren’t going to stamp out this problem overnight.
5) Is speculating whether they could get away with sneaking into the “Twelve
Items or Fewer” aisle with 15 items. A citizen's arrest may be necessary in this
case.
In the special case of a cell phone conversationalist who seems to be talking about
you, things becomes a bit more tricky. If, for example, you hear the person on the
phone quietly remark, “I think the guy in front of me just shoplifted some gum,”
you may remain within the bounds of proper etiquette to respond with “I was not
shoplifting gum,” or “Hey, it was just sugarless,” etc.
As for your timing chain incident, don’t think of it as having missed an opportunity
to be helpful. In fact, you’ve probably done someone a great favor—specifically,
the car mechanic. In addition to the timing chain fix, he may be able to convince
the lady she needs to rotate the tires, replace the brake pads, and consider a new
transmission. And you’ll probably hear all about it during next week’s grocery trip,
if the lady remembers to bring along her cell phone.
| C O P Y R I G H T 2 0 0 6 ANGIE BRENNAN |
Dear Angie: Board Room
Dear Angie: It’s not that I don’t enjoy my work, but sometimes I just
get tired of doing the same thing day after day. Any suggestions of how
to liven things up at work from time to time? --Bored Room
Dear Bored: They say that variety is the spice of life. Of course “they” are
independently wealthy and can afford to travel around the Italian coast by
yacht, so it’s easy for “them” to say. Still, it’s good for all of us to do things
a little differently from time to time. Here are a few ideas for beating
workplace ennui:
1. Speak only in Haiku:
“I can’t find the file.
It’s whereabouts are unknown;
Alas, the file’s flown.”
It doesn’t have to rhyme, but go ahead and try your best to do so whenever
possible.
2. Wheel yourself down the hall in your office chair to get coffee and ask a
co-worker to push you back. Urge them to drive carefully so you don’t spill.
3. Hang a moose head on the wall. Explain to anyone that comes in your
office that you would prefer they not pray to it.
4. Every time you have a conversation, end with “See if I don’t blog about
that!”
If you try all four you’ll have the additional excitement that comes from
looking for a new job after you're fired. Good luck!
Dear Angie: The other day I was at work and suddenly remembered
that my brother’s birthday was coming up. I was afraid if I didn’t do
something about it right then I would forget, so I went online and
ordered him a t-shirt that says “Never drink and drive” and pictures a
golfer holding a martini glass, swinging wildly at a golf ball. Was this
wrong?--Driving Me Crazy
Dear Driving: I think there are two issues to address here. First of all, there
is the question of whether it is right for you to use company time and
property for personal matters. I think you know the answer to that question.
(Incidentally, if you could e-mail that answer to me so I’ll have it for future
use, I would appreciate it).
Secondly, there is the gift itself. I assume your brother is a golfer with a
fondness for puns and inebriation. If not, one wonders whether you were
really putting much thought and effort into your brother’s birthday, or
whether this item happened to show up for a good price in your Amazon
Gold Box. Questions you should ask yourself: What is it that my brother is
really passionate about? What is he unlikely to buy for himself, but would
love to have? What did he get you for your last birthday? If the answer to
any of these questions is cinnamon "gummy worms," I suggest you keep the
t-shirt and send him a birthday e-mail instead.
Dear Angie: It’s not that I don’t enjoy my work, but sometimes I just
get tired of doing the same thing day after day. Any suggestions of how
to liven things up at work from time to time? --Bored Room
Dear Bored: They say that variety is the spice of life. Of course “they” are
independently wealthy and can afford to travel around the Italian coast by
yacht, so it’s easy for “them” to say. Still, it’s good for all of us to do things
a little differently from time to time. Here are a few ideas for beating
workplace ennui:
1. Speak only in Haiku:
“I can’t find the file.
It’s whereabouts are unknown;
Alas, the file’s flown.”
It doesn’t have to rhyme, but go ahead and try your best to do so whenever
possible.
2. Wheel yourself down the hall in your office chair to get coffee and ask a
co-worker to push you back. Urge them to drive carefully so you don’t spill.
3. Hang a moose head on the wall. Explain to anyone that comes in your
office that you would prefer they not pray to it.
4. Every time you have a conversation, end with “See if I don’t blog about
that!”
If you try all four you’ll have the additional excitement that comes from
looking for a new job after you're fired. Good luck!
Dear Angie: The other day I was at work and suddenly remembered
that my brother’s birthday was coming up. I was afraid if I didn’t do
something about it right then I would forget, so I went online and
ordered him a t-shirt that says “Never drink and drive” and pictures a
golfer holding a martini glass, swinging wildly at a golf ball. Was this
wrong?--Driving Me Crazy
Dear Driving: I think there are two issues to address here. First of all, there
is the question of whether it is right for you to use company time and
property for personal matters. I think you know the answer to that question.
(Incidentally, if you could e-mail that answer to me so I’ll have it for future
use, I would appreciate it).
Secondly, there is the gift itself. I assume your brother is a golfer with a
fondness for puns and inebriation. If not, one wonders whether you were
really putting much thought and effort into your brother’s birthday, or
whether this item happened to show up for a good price in your Amazon
Gold Box. Questions you should ask yourself: What is it that my brother is
really passionate about? What is he unlikely to buy for himself, but would
love to have? What did he get you for your last birthday? If the answer to
any of these questions is cinnamon "gummy worms," I suggest you keep the
t-shirt and send him a birthday e-mail instead.
| C O P Y R I G H T 2 0 0 6 ANGIE BRENNAN, humor writer & illustrator |
| Are you searching for advice about a relationship from someone who will listen with understanding and sympathy, yet isn't afraid to tell it like it is? Want some guidance about a philosophical question you've been wrestling with? Or do you just want a recommendation for a good book on herb gardening? Then I suggest you Google it. But if you're looking for humor in the form of an advice column, you've come to the right place! |
| "I believe we just may have found the heir to Erma Bombeck in Angie Brennan's 'Dear Angie.' She brings to these mock advice columns a delightful blend of wit and absurdity rarely found in today's humorists." ---David Trumbull, chairman, Robert Benchley Society * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "Angie Brennan is a laugh-out-loud author. She has been compared to my hometown's (Dayton, OH, USA) Erma Bombeck. I think it is a great comparison. Enjoy!" --Patti, Dayton, Ohio * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "When you have a perplexing question and need a smart-aleck answer, there's no one better to ask than Angie." --Tim Bete, Director, Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop, author of "In the Beginning...There Were No Diapers" |
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