Humor Writer and Illustrator: Angie Brennan: Column Samples

Happy World Smile Day! :-)
by Angie Brennan

Did you know that today, October 6, 2006, is World Smile Day? Held each
year on the first Friday in October, it was first celebrated seven years ago in
Worcester, Massachusetts.

And just what, you may ask, does Worcester have to smile about? (Other
than hearing non-natives attempt to pronounce the word “Worcester”).

The smiley-face, that’s what. Harvey Ball, a commercial artist from
Worcester, came up with the symbol in 1963 as part of a client’s morale-
boosting campaign. The client, State Mutual Life Assurance Company,
handed out smiley-face buttons to its employees, encouraging them to be
friendly and courteous to customers while they were denying their claims.

Sumo-Wrestling Our Way to a Better Tomorrow
by Angie Brennan

“There's been a decline in interest in Math and the Sciences in schools in recent years,” reads the shocking
headline of recent news story. You may well be asking yourself, “Whose interest is declining? The students’
or the teachers’? And is ‘a decline in interest’ just a polite way of saying that kids across the nation wouldn’t
know a geometry proof from an artichoke?” The article doesn’t tell us.

It does tell us, however, that NASA and Honeywell have teamed up to do something about it. Introducing
FMA Live--a multimedia extravaganza complete with booming music, “daring dance moves,” a
“rockumentary” about Sir Isaac Newton, and some scientific slapstick including demonstrations of Sumo
wrestling and even pies-in-the-face.

The name of the show is a reference to Newton’s second law of motion, summarized by the formula F=ma,
which suggests that the rate of a falling apple is not related to whether it’s “Granny Smith” or “Red
Delicious.”

The purpose of FMA Live? To create a generation of students who will be intrigued and inspired by science
and math; a generation that will produce our future engineers and astronauts; a generation that won’t fast-
forward through the boring parts of Apollo 13.

I can picture that first FMA Live brainstorming session…

NASA Executive: Okay, people--what we want to do is come up with an educational presentation that will
capture the imagination of the youth, encouraging them to pursue careers in math and science.

Engineer: I’ve got it! We can bring in a giant model of a 747 and discuss the forces that act upon an airplane
in flight.

Executive: Nah….too boring.

Scientist: How about this: we show a video that discusses global warming and then break up into groups,
asking students to consider these environmental issues in order to build a better future.

Executive: Nah…too serious.

Engineer: Well, for crying out--look, if excitement and laughs are what you’re after, why don’t we just have a
couple of teachers dress up like Sumo wrestlers, get up on stage, and knock each other out with loud music
blaring in the background?

Executive: I like it.

And thus the program was born.

Of course NASA and Honeywell realize that sumo wrestling and hip hop music alone aren’t going to ensure
that students begin to excel in math and science. It will take far more than a passing familiarity with Isaac
Newton’s apple to send, say, a manned mission to Mars. It will take something that perhaps NASA and
Honeywell can’t quite put their fingers on--specifically, billions of billions of dollars.

But the way math scores are headed, our future congresspersons probably won’t be able to count that many
zeros anyway.

©2006

Navigational Systems--Will They Drive Us Crazy?
by Angie Brennan

I’m not sure how I feel about these car navigation systems that use computer-generated voices. With this
technology, drivers are given real-time instructions, directed by the computer to “go three miles,” or “turn left
here.” It can even offer commentary on driving behavior, such as “you are driving 15 miles over the speed limit,”
a function previously performed by the driver’s wife. Future models may someday include such exhortations as,
“There’s no point in tailgating that Suburban,” or “I think that's enough talk radio for now.”

Of course, the computer may not be as helpful as you think. Take the recent example of a German motorist.
According to one news report, after his navigation system ordered him to “Turn right now!” the driver obeyed and
promptly went off the road, up a stairway, and into a small toilet hut. I certainly hope no one was “visiting the
hut” at the time, but it seems to me that if you choose to install your toilet hut at the top of a stairway, you’re just
asking for trouble.

One has to admire the loyalty of this guy to his navigation system. “Hmm,” he must have been thinking, “I don’t
remember the parking lot at Karl’s apartment being up a flight of stairs…but, darn it, if my onboard computer
says to turn right, I’m going to turn right! I just hope I can get that plunger off my hood without damaging the
paint.”

I think I’ll stick to the traditional MapQuest printout (which is traditionally left behind on the kitchen counter) for
my navigational needs. But I wouldn’t mind having an onboard computer to give me other helpful hints. Some
examples:

“Yo, Leadfoot---we’re coming up on that corner where the cops like to hang out.”

“Approaching a drive-thru Starbucks. May I suggest a Grande Banana Caramel Frappuccino this time?”

“You’ll find that missing jazz CD under the left rear seat…not to mention a couple of bucks in change.”

“You might want to think about stopping by the library to return

Moby Dick

, since you’ve had it checked

out

for six months and are still on page 20. He doesn’t get the whale, by the way.”

“If you really give it the gas and squeeze in front of that Dodge Caravan, you can shave a good 0.3 seconds

off your travel time.”

As for getting lost...if you’ve forgotten to bring along your MapQuest directions, you can always stop and ask for
help. I’m sure people would be more than happy to tell you where to go--especially if you just ran into their toilet
hut.

©2006

I don’t know about this encouraging people to smile stuff. Personally, I think we could all do with a little less of
it. Just take a look at those numerous ads featuring groups of people overcome with acute fits of hilarity over,
say, a new cell phone, a pair of jeans, or a honey-glazed ham. The unspoken assumption here is that if you buy
the advertised product, you, too, can attain youth, joyful camaraderie, and teeth with that bright just-
Photoshopped look.

And the problem isn’t just in print--strangers smiling at me in person make me nervous, too. Why are they
smiling? Should I smile back? Is this someone from my neighborhood I wave hello to on occasion, but have
never actually seen up close? Maybe it’s somebody using one of those tiny cell phone ear phones I can’t see,
which I’ll realize after I return the smile and hear him mutter, “Hang on--some weirdo is grinning at me.” Or
perhaps it’s someone smirking at the fact that I’m walking around the grocery store having forgotten to remove
my name tag that says, “Hi! I’m Trevor’s Mom!” (An unlikely scenario, granted, since I don’t have a child
named Trevor).

But back to Worcester…the Harvey Ball World Smile Foundation sponsors a contest in conjunction with the
World Smile Day festivities. This year’s theme: “Keep Your Eyes on the Pies.” No, it won’t involve cows, but it
may make the contestants just as sick...it’s a pie-eating contest. Now, I enjoy a good apple pie as much as the
next person. But it seems to me that shoveling in mouthful after mouthful of dessert wouldn’t tend to induce a
smile; it would tend to induce indigestion.

I just hope that when somebody collapses from hyperglycemia in the middle of the contest, the city’s insurance
will cover it. I wouldn’t count on it, though, especially if they use State Mutual Life.

At least they’ll get their denial with a smile.

©2006

This isn’t your mother’s food pyramid. No longer are food groups represented as horizontal blocks with bread
and cereals at the foundation. Now we have stripes representing each group running bottom to top (or top to
bottom, depending on your preference). We certainly wouldn’t want any food groups feeling like one was more
important than another.

Except sugar. After all, kids might get the wrong idea with the old food pyramid that placed sugar and fat up
top—as if they were king of the food groups. In fact, sugar is not even on the new pyramid, having been
grounded and sent to its room.

Some critics don’t think the punishment went far enough. "The materials don’t even have the guts to urge kids
to drink less soda pop, to eat less candy," said Michael Jacobson, executive director of the Washington-based
Center for Science in the Public Interest. Apparently Mr. Jacobson would be happier if sugar were beaten and
kept in a dark closet.

He might like the government’s video game, however. In the "MyPyramid Blast Off" game, kids load a rocket
ship with the right combination of healthy foods: fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lowfat or fat-free milk and
lean meat. Load up with the wrong kind of fuel, or too much of it, and you can’t blast off to Planet Power.

Meet up with Darth Sugar, and the player is shoved, screaming, into an endless black void, while also being
attacked by the evil Caketroopers who blast away using their deadly bullets poisoned with trans fat.

Just kidding about that last part.

So should kids be encouraged to exercise and use moderation in their eating habits? Of course. Will the new
pyramid and its culinary computer game make a big difference in that endeavor? Let's hope we won't be taken
in by that pyramid scheme.

©2005

November 15: Today in History, Tomorrow a Pie Piece
by Angie Brennan

Every once in a while it’s a good idea to pause and consider some of the turning points of history. In doing so,
we can learn from the successes and mistakes of those who came before. It helps us appreciate how our lives
have been affected by developments in technology, medicine, and other areas. And it’s something to do when
you’re trying to avoid raking leaves.

Sure, we could stand back and admire the broad strokes on the canvas of time, but what about the detailed
brushwork of everyday life? That’s where “this day in history” lists come in handy. For example, did you know
that on this day in the year 1849, the first poultry show opened in Boston? If you’re like me, there’s nothing
you’d rather do on November 15th than watch a group of chickens perform light musical comedy, but no
doubt you’ve wondered when this tradition began.

Or this: on November 15, 1937, the U.S. congressional session was held in air-conditioned chambers for the
first time. (“Well, gentlemen, the heat of the afternoon is upon us, but with this new miracle we can continue
to levy taxes far into the evening.” “Hear, hear!”)

Though you won’t find most of these historical tidbits in textbooks, they’re no less important. Well, maybe
slightly less important. Okay--so they’re really of no use except for winning a yellow pie piece in Trivial
Pursuit. But perhaps you’d rather head outside and start tackling that lawn work? I thought not.

Back to the history lesson….do you know what happened on November 15, 1492? If you paid even the
slightest bit of attention in seventh grade history class, you must not have gone to my school since, as I recall,
we spent most of our time passing notes. But for the rest if you, 1492 should bring to mind the famous French
explorer Christopher Columbus.*

*Note: To those who feel compelled to inform me that Christopher Columbus was not French: calm down
and cancel that e-mail. It was just a little joke! Of course I learned in seventh grade (from Melissa, two rows
over, who described in the same note a “really gross guy” who tried to sit by her on the bus) that Columbus
was Greek.

It was on this day, 514 years ago, that Christopher Columbus gave us the first written record of tobacco. No
doubt you’ve heard the children’s ditty about his voyage; the events of November 15th are also memorialized
in a poem:

In fourteen hundred ninety-two
Columbus saw the natives chew.

He grabbed his journal; his pen did fly.
“This leaf,” he wrote, “is for to die.”

He liked the taste; he liked the smell,
The sailors were impressed as well.

On that fall day their dream came true,
You never saw a happier crew.

“By R.J. Reynolds!” Chris declared,
“E’en though lung function be impaired,

“Though health insurance rates may soar
And smokers file lawsuits galore,

“This wondrous leaf shall be extolled!
(Especially when it’s dried and rolled).”

Did Chris find India? No, not quite.
“Oh, well,” he shrugged. “You got a light?”

So next time your child asks, “Why do I have to memorize these all these dates? What’s the point of studying
history, anyway?” you can smile knowingly and reply, “Beats me. Now go out and rake the leaves.”

Pie Crust Prohibition
by Angie Brennan

Hey, New Yorkers: bad news for those of you fond of stopping for a donut on the way to work…artificial
trans fat is being booted out of New York City restaurants, just like the smokers. I’m sure the feelings of
many can be summed up in these well-known lyrics:

Start spreadin’ the news---

I’m leaving today.

Trans fat’s no longer welcome in New York, New York.

I want to wake up in a city that sells good eats;

To find a cream puff (cheese-filled),

Marbleized meat.

These “handles of love”

May soon melt away…

I’ll make a brand new start of it--me and my fork.

If I can’t eat it there

I’ll eat my cake elsewhere.

Goodbye to you, New York, New York!

Guess that’s what happens when you nickname your city “The Big Apple” instead of “The Big Éclair.”

Remember those “speakeasies” that popped up during the 1920’s prohibition of alcohol? Bet we’ll start
seeing that sort of thing in NYC for trans fat social eaters. I can see it now…

The sign on the restaurant reads “Jacque’s French Cuisine Health Haven,” but regular patrons know
better. One day, a wary waiter approaches a table with an unfamiliar face…

Waiter: Bonjour! May I take your order?

Patron: I hear you serve trans-fatty foods.

Waiter: No, Monsieur! Jacque’s serves only heart-healthy foods cooked in light--

Patron: Look, I need a fix, and fast. Gimme a carrot cake with a generous topping of cream cheese icing---
easy on the carrots.

Waiter: You are mistaken, Monsieur! We absolutely do not--

Patron: Here’s twenty bucks. Keep the change.

Waiter: You want fries with that?

And don’t think it will stop with trans fat. It won’t be long before we’ll start seeing news stories like this…

City of New York to Ban “Death Drops”

NEW YORK - First it was trans fat; now the New York City Board of Health has set its sights another
food danger: peppermints.

New York City restaurants have until July 2007 to phase out these candies which, according to Board
officials, pose a significant choking hazard.

“We’re not talking about those small chalk-like chewy mints,” says Health Commissioner Gary Nayschen.
“I mean the red and white hard candy disks. After-Dinner Airway Plugs, we at the Board of Health call
them.”

Restaurants are encouraged to consider alternatives to the traditional bowl of peppermints by the cash
register. Suggestions include offering raw okra pods, “fun-size” boxes of raisins, or sprigs of cilantro tied
with tiny festive ribbons.

“They could even provide finger bowls of baking soda at each table, if patrons are concerned about post-
dinner breath odor,” says Nayschen. “Just lick your finger, stick it in the baking soda and ‘brush’ your
teeth. Then swish and spit into your table spitoon. Sure, you may feel a little awkward at first, but not as
awkward as having a waiter grab you to perform the Heimlich maneuver, I’d be willing to bet.”

Nayschen holds up a T-shirt. “It’s part of our campaign to spread the word about the new ordinance,” he
explains. “All of us at the Board of Health will be wearing them tomorrow. It says, ‘No More Peppermints--
We’re Not Choking.’”
--------------

So start spreadin’ the margarine, New York--at least while you can. And you might consider stocking up
on peppermints. Just in case.

©2006