Madly in Love....

Below is my February humor column for Suburban Scene magazine. If you've been reading my humor blog for awhile, you may begin to experience some déjà vu while reading this...that's because I gleaned a little from a previous blog post or two. Keep reading, though--it isn't all gleanings! And now...

MADLY IN LOVE (with Emphasis on Mad)
by Angie Brennan

Have you ever done a Google search on “fear of cotton balls in vitamin jars”? If so, you aren’t alone. According to my website’s log data, that’s just one of the many bizarre search strings that have landed people on my humor website. I wish I could help the googler with this situation. All I can suggest is to transfer your cotton balls into a less intimidating container--a Folgers coffee can, perhaps.

Here’s another search phrase I came across in my log stats: “Baltimore Gas and Electric Co. ringtone.” I must admit, if I were looking for a creative and unusual ring tone--one that would really set me apart from the crowd--I guess this is the one I would pick. But what, exactly, would it sound like? Barking dogs, perhaps, such as you might hear when the BGE guy comes to check your meter? Or maybe the ring tone could double as a friendly reminder that your bill is due--or overdue, as the case may be--and play this song:

BGE: your source for power, lighting up your life!
Your coffee pot, the VCR, and your electric knife.
We cool your house in summer’s sun, bring heat in winter’s chill--
But you can kiss these things goodbye if you don’t pay your bill!

But this is February. We should be discussing love, not overdue electric bills. Which leads me to one more interesting search string I found: “humor poem for mad spouse.”

If the person who googled that phrase happens to be reading this, let me first of all say this: I would not go there if I were you, my friend. If your spouse is mad, he or she may need an encouraging word, a little gift, or perhaps some time alone to let off steam. This is not the time for being a smart-aleck in verse.

But if you’re really sure “humor poem for mad spouse” is what you want, I’ll do my best to help you out. How about this one:

I know you’re really mad, my dear,
But try your best to grin--
And maybe while you’re at it you
Could grow some thicker skin.

I didn’t say, my love, that you
Should not have cut your hair;
I simply asked you if that style
Was called “The Grizzly Bear.”

No need to get upset, my sweet,
Try not to be a grouch!
What’s that, you say? Tonight my bed
Will be the downstairs couch?

I’ve learned my lesson, darling one.
Next time I’ll nod and smile
When I am asked, “What do you think
About my new hairstyle?”

Hope that helps! If that doesn’t do the trick, try a gift instead. Perhaps a coffee can full of cotton balls.

This Day in History: Chickens, Climate Control, and Columbus

Every once in a while it’s a good idea to pause and consider some of the turning points of history. In doing so, we can learn from the success and failures of those who came before. It helps us appreciate how our lives have been affected by developments in technology, medicine, and other areas. And it’s something to do when you’re trying to avoid raking leaves.

Sure, we could stand back and admire the broad strokes on the canvas of time, but what about the detailed brushwork of everyday life? That’s where “this day in history” lists come in. For example, did you know that on this day in the year 1849, the first poultry show opened in Boston? If you’re like me, there’s nothing you’d rather do in the middle of November than watch a group of chickens perform light musical comedy.

Or this: on November 15, 1937, the U.S. congressional session was held in air-conditioned chambers for the first time. (“Well, gentlemen, the heat of the afternoon is upon us, but with this new miracle we can continue to levy taxes far into the evening.” “Hear, hear!”)

Though you won’t find most of these historical tidbits in textbooks, they’re no less important. Well, maybe slightly less important. Okay--so they’re really of no use except for winning a yellow pie piece in Trivial Pursuit. But perhaps you’d rather head outside and start tackling that lawn work? I thought not.

Back to the history lesson….do you know what happened on November 15, 1492? If you paid even the slightest bit of attention in seventh grade history, you must not have been in my class since, as I recall, we spent most of our time passing notes. But for the rest if you, 1492 should bring to mind the famous explorer Christopher Columbus.

It was on this very day, 515 years ago, that Columbus gave the world the first written record of tobacco use. No doubt you’ve heard the children’s ditty about his voyage; the events of November 15th are memorialized in another poem...

In fourteen hundred ninety-two
Columbus saw the natives chew.

He grabbed his journal; his pen did fly.
“This leaf,” he wrote, “is for to die.”

He liked the taste; he liked the smell,
His shipmates were impressed as well.

On that fall day their dream came true--
You never saw a happier crew.

“By R.J. Reynolds!” Chris declared,
“E’en though lung function be impaired,

“Though health insurance rates may soar
And smokers file lawsuits galore,

“This wondrous leaf shall be extolled!
Especially when it’s dried and rolled.”

Did Chris find India? No, not quite.
“Oh, well,” he shrugged. “You got a light?”

So next time your child asks, “Why do I have to memorize these all these dates? What’s the point of studying history, anyway?” you can put your arm around him, smile knowingly, and reply, “Beats me. Now go out and rake the leaves.”

Have You Hugged a Writer Today?

We are well into September, and I certainly hope you’ve made it a point to be kind to any editors and writers who may have crossed your path.

What’s that? You mean you didn’t know that September is “Be Kind to Editors and Writers” month? Don’t panic--you still have a week and a half left to dispense a little literary largess. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Write a congratulatory letter to an aspiring author friend or two informing them that Random House is interested in publishing their work. Sure, they’ll suffer crushing disappointment after the truth comes out--but, in the end, it may inspire them to work even harder to achieve their dreams! Right after they shove a thesaurus into your ear canal.

2. Even the most successful writers will go through periods of doubt and disappointment. There is something you can offer a discouraged writer--something that costs so little to give, yet can make all the difference in the world...I refer, of course, to caffeine.

3. Provide a writer you know with a list of story ideas that are guaranteed to be bestsellers. You're practically doing the work for them! Or pass along Craigslist posts that may be your friend’s ticket to fame and fortune--perhaps something along the lines of this.

4. Don’t overlook the value of little gestures….why not surprise a writer friend by sharpening all the dull pencils lurking around his desk? Though he may not do much writing the old-fashioned way, no doubt your friend will appreciate the fact that you took the time to invade his personal workspace and mess with his supplies.

5. If you’re a writer, there are many ways you can show kindness to an editor. What better way to say “You’re special, Sir or Madam!” than to tuck a twenty dollar bill in with your article submission. (And if you do know a better way please pass it along; so far my twenties haven’t done much for getting me into The New Yorker.)

6. Married to a writer? Consider taking the kids out for an afternoon at the park so your spouse can have a few hours of uninterrupted writing time--an afternoon in which your book-writing beloved can make a pot of coffee, turn on some quiet music, and concentrate on the task of putting all the loose household change into coin rolls. (Writers have a never-ending list of projects for when it’s time to do some serious procrastinating).

Well, that should give you a good start in committing some random acts of kindness this month. And now I'd better get back to work on my novel! Just as soon as I finish re-caulking the bathtub.

Great Gompers--it's Almost Labor Day!

Happy Labor Day weekend, everyone!

Did you know that Labor Day, first celebrated in 1882, is different from any other holiday celebrated anywhere? Thus spoke Samuel Gompers, founder and president of the American Federation of Labor from 1886-1924. And how, you may wonder, does it differ?

Said Mr. Gompers: “All other holidays are in a more or less degree connected with conflicts and battles of man's prowess over man, of strife and discord for greed and power, of glories achieved by one nation over another.”

Tell me about it! Take Thanksgiving. First, you’re having one helping too many of green bean casserole and pumpkin pie; next thing you know, you’re on the couch watching large helmeted men pummel into each other. Talk about a holiday steeped in both greed and conflict.

Or Christmas:

“Hey, cool! A new mountain bike with a Quad-Link 4-bar rear suspension system …thanks, Mom and Dad!”

“You’re welcome, son. Just remember that our nation is vastly superior to any other nation on the face of the earth.”

“Sure, Dad, I remember the glories achieved. Can I go try out the bike now?”

And don’t even get me started on the power games that let to the establishment of Groundhog Day.

So how should you observe Labor Day? Here’s a quote from the Department of Labor website:

“The character of the Labor Day celebration has undergone a change in recent years, especially in large industrial centers where mass displays and huge parades have proved a problem. This change, however, is more a shift in emphasis and medium of expression. Labor Day addresses by leading union officials, industrialists, educators, clerics and government officials are given wide coverage in newspapers, radio, and television.”

I can see it now...

“Hey, Dad, can we go to the Labor Day parade?”

“Sorry, son. There’s going to be a little shift in the medium of expression this year. Instead of a parade, there will be wide media coverage of union officials and various government office-holders giving speeches.”

“Awesome! Then instead of getting ice cream like we used to do after the parade, can we go read the FAQ’s on our state rep’s website?”

“I don’t see why not. Then maybe we’ll scan the radio stations for a cleric or two.”

“Thanks, Dad! Boy, oh boy--this is going to be the best Labor Day ever!”

All joking aside (well, most anyway), it’s a good thing to recall that regard for our fellow man should come before the pursuit of economic gain. It’s a good thing to appreciate all the workers who bring so many benefits to our lives.

Gompers also said that Labor Day “is devoted to no man, living or dead, to no sect, race, or nation.” Maybe that’s the problem. Many of us have a hard time being moved by an abstraction. So go ahead and offer a toast to the garbage man who removes your refuse each week; to the truck driver who helps keep your local grocery store well-stocked; and, yes, even to the government official who serves knowing that his every action is bound to be criticized, mischaracterized, and mocked by someone.

But feel free to turn off the TV when he start giving speeches--and take your kids out for ice cream instead.

Getting Through April Can Be Taxing

The following appears in the April issue of Suburban Scene magazine:

Getting Through April Can Be Taxing
by Angie Brennan

No doubt you're one of the many Americans who view the arrival of April with a mixture of anticipation and dread. On one hand, April begins to loosen the icy clutch of winter, ushering in the first tender blooms of springtime. But with its other hand, April reaches for your checkbook, tosses it in front of you, and suggests that you write a nice big check to the IRS. A capricious month, that April!

And yet the focus of this month doesn't end with tulips and taxes. For example, did you know that April is also:

Anxiety Month. That's right--Anxiety Month is "celebrated" at the same time returns are due. Coincidence? Not a very taxing question.

Foot Health Awareness Month. Sorting through piles of receipts and filling out vaguely-worded forms is no reason to ignore what's going on inside your shoe. So go ahead and file your returns and your toenails! If you plan to take a deduction for medical expenses, be sure to read IRS Publication 268419, "Pedicure Deductions: Up to and including Bunion Removal and Pumice Treatment."

Welding Month. Far too few of us really take the time to do proper homage to the art of welding. Oh sure, we may exchange greeting cards with ditties such as:

Happy, happy welding month! I'm sure you will agree
That joining metals with high heat is great for you and me.
Look around and you will see how welding fills our lives:
From home decor to engine valves, from grills to Ginsu knives.
Welded stuff is all around, so let's send up a cheer!
Though April may be Welding Month, it ought to last all year.

Or for the more romantically-inclined:

Like welded steel we're fused together,
Never shall we part!
Like torches of acetylene
You've melted, dear, my heart.

Each one of us should consider whether we're simply giving in to the commercialism of Welding Month or truly honoring its meaning, which escapes me at the moment.

Then, of course, there's Egg Salad Week, observed each year following Easter Sunday. (You think I made that up, don't you? I only wish I had.) The whole family can join in the fun! "Okay, Billy, time to start cracking those boiled eggs you so proudly and painstakingly decorated. And hand me that jar of mayonnaise." Or "I've got to hand it to you, Honey, it's amazing how you've been able to come up with a different egg salad dish for six meals in a row! Great job! By the way, what's the number for Dominos?"

So whether you're trimming your toenails, taking a class on flux-cored arc welding, or experimenting with adding marshmallow chicks to your egg salad, enjoy the many moods of April.

Meanwhile, I'll be frantically working on Form 4868, "Application for Automatic Extension of Time to File U.S. Income Tax Return." Happy Anxiety Month, everyone!

Superego Platform

The New Yorker magazine has a long tradition of including an occasional humorous riff on a news story in their "Shouts and Murmurs" section. The news items are often gleaned from the pages of The New York Times.

The following quote comes from that paper, in a story entitled "In This Turn at the Top, Democrats Seek the Middle on Social Issues." Keep in mind that although the story concerns politics (which is usually fertile ground for the humorist) my piece isn't making any broad political point, other than to poke fun at what I consider to be a silly statement.

And so in the spirit, if not with the skill, of "Shouts" writers, and of Freud, I offer a...

SUPEREGO PLATFORM

"Since then, [Democratic] party leaders say, they have tried hard to connect with those voters, to convince them that, as Senator Charles E. Schumer of New York said, 'We are not a bunch of libertines who want to see the superego of society disappear.'"
--From The New York Times

Good afternoon, and thank you for coming today.

You might wonder why we Democrats are holding a rally here in Brooklyn on this windy March afternoon. We're here, though the thaw of spring has not yet fully come, to assure you our constituents that...hold on a minute. Excuse me...you, fellow over there on the left. Do me a favor and lose the ball cap. And tuck in that shirt, for crying out loud! You're, what--in your late 20's? Early 30's? Beep. Beep. Beep. Oh, listen--the maturity alarm clock is going off. Time to grow up!

Ahem. We gather here to assure you, the voters of New York and the voters of America, that we...wait a minute. Waaait a minute. I notice that some of you young women are dressed rather, shall we say, inappropriately for a public setting. Ladies: did you come here to participate in political dialogue or to display yourselves like so many prize heifers? Could we get a few volunteers to lend their jackets or something? Thanks. Thank you, sir. That's better. Are you people not even cold? Sigh. So. I as I was saying...

We want to assure you voters that your Democratic Party is NOT a bunch of libertines. As a matter of fact---oh, nice. Real nice. Did you see the way that boy over there wrenched the bag of potato chips from his little brother? Wonderful role model, isn't he, folks? And don't even get me started on the trans fat thing. One has to wonder about parents who let their kids have access to that kind of so-called snack. Hey, Mom and Dad, ever heard of carrot sticks? You know--those orange things kids use as a snowman's nose? Or maybe you've never helped your kid build a snowman. Maybe both of you are so busy with careers and mortgage payments and trips to the gym that you haven't noticed your kids in awhile. Oh, wait, I forgot! You bought them each an Xbox for Christmas. A little "guilt payment" AND a convenient way to keep them out of your hair. Plus a great interactive tool for learning how to shoot each other. Sweet!

What was I...oh, yes. The Democratic Party. We have no desire whatsoever to see the superego of society disappear. As a matter of fact, we would like to see more of it--lots more! Remember that in the future when you go to the polls. You do plan to vote, right? I assume you don't have any qualms about using public roads, public transportation, public libraries...but you can't make a little room in your schedule to do your public duty? You people make me sick. You're the types always grumbling about jury duty, too. Oh! So sorry that the price of freedom is too high for you! Let me tell you something...you can just take your pathetic thrift shop democracy and--

Uh-oh, looks like my "handlers" are signaling that we're out of time! Thank you all for coming. I hope we've connected with you here today. Let's go forth together to create a better tomorrow! And for the love of whatever deity you may or may not worship--keep off the grass.

Doing My Part for Litter-acy

Baltimore has a litter problem--and Mayor Sheila Dixon has had about enough of it. Her plan of attack? To create an anti-litter campaign. The Baltimore Sun recently ran a story by news reporter Jill Rosen on the city's search for a slogan. But, as Rosen reports, "A stroll down memory lane, in Baltimore's case, is littered with failed cleanup initiatives."

Her piece also includes an amusing run-down of past anti-litter efforts around the nation, including the crying Indian and the “Don’t Mess with Texas” slogan, which eventually took on a life of its own, leaving thoughts of Lone Star litter in the dust.

Says Rosen:

In Cincinnati - and they're quite proud of this one - they urge: "Don't Trash the 'Nati."

Linda Holterhoff, the executive director of Cincinnati Beautiful, knew that slogan had potential when she didn’t get it and her board hated it.

“You just can’t have a group of old people do this,” she says, adding that their target audience was male litterbugs aged 15 to 32. “We would go out and talk to groups all the time about litter prevention. It came to our attention that we were preaching to the choir.”

I think the idea of targeting males aged 15-32 as leading litterbugs has a great deal of merit. So how can Baltimore effectively reach this particular group with its campaign? Sports, of course! But why stop there? If the city does this thing right, it can promote literature, local history, team spirit, and proper trash disposal.

Here’s my suggestion: a variation of the famous poem by Baltimorean Edgar Allan Poe. “The Raven,” of course, gave Baltimore its football team name and mascot. Maybe it can also give Baltimore its campaign to stop drive-by disposal.

And so I offer my anti-litter anthem, “The Ravens.”

The Ravens
By Angie Brennan

Once upon a midnight dreary, with my eyes grown red and bleary,
I drove home while munching snacks I’d bought at the convenience store.
Speeding onward, nearly napping, tossing bags and candy wrapping
Out the window they went flapping, adding to the trash galore.
“Tis just little bits,” I muttered, “flying out my 4 x 4--
Only this, and nothing more.”

Turning, then, into my driveway--I believe it was a Friday--
I rolled up my windows and shut off the engine’s mighty roar.
Sleepily, I checked the mail, dumping flyers that screamed “SALE!”
Ditching ads for books in Braille, coupons for the grocery store.
Strewing paper down the walkway I arrived at my front door,
Wanting rest and nothing more.

Entering the darkened dwelling, suddenly I started yelling--
There before me stood a group of men, methought, I’d seen before!
Clothed in purple, grave and brooding, brawny--not a paunch protruding--
“Why,” thought I, “were they intruding, standing on my kitchen floor--
Scowling mutely, nothing more?”

Then one burly man came nearer: “Let me make our purpose clearer.
You may wonder why the team is gathered here at 12:04...
I’m afraid we’re somewhat bitter; you’ve been spawning too much litter.
Let’s all make our city fitter! Our fair town of Baltimore
Has declared a refuse war.”

"Friend!" I cried, "halfback or center--you have been a helpful mentor.
I've been acting like a renter, not an owner, of Earth's orb.
You've made clear what once was hazy. Dumping trash outside is crazy!
Shall I keep on being lazy, making highways an eyesore?"
Quoth the Ravens, "Nevermore."

“Yes,” said I, “I’ve been delinquent. From now on I’ll make more frequent
Trips to use the trash can with the zeal of Al ‘The Earth Man’ Gore.
Thank you, Ravens, for your chiding. No more tossing trash while riding
Since our city’s not abiding roadside dumping anymore.
Let’s use trash cans, Baltimore!”

After I’d been reprimanded, one by one the team disbanded.
“Hey,” I called, “Good luck to you with your new Ravens Litter Corps!
Hope you have a winning season; don't forget this is the reason
That you guys earn hefty fees in your home town of Baltimore."
Quoth the Ravens: “Super Bowl forty-two, here we come! Also, please don’t litter.”

~~~~~~~~~

Now, I’m having some fun with this, but I do think it’s a shame when people dump their trash on the side of the road. So will all that finally stop when somebody comes up with the magic anti-litter campaign, slogan, jingle, or other gimmick?

Quoth this writer: Nevermore.

Heard the Latest Buzz? Me Either.

The following appeared in the "Suburban Scene" magazine earlier this month.

Beeps, sirens, electric guitar riffs, honking horns…there seems to be no end to the variety of creative and annoying cell phone ring tones these days. And now a fad among the youthful cell-carrying crowd takes the noise in a different direction—specifically, higher. Try this quiz to see how much you know about it.

The “Teen Buzz” ring tone:

a) Blasts popular music from the top 40 list

b) Was created by Alexander Graham Bell, who continued to develop it even after a colleague chuckled, “'Tis a bonny ring tone, to be sure, but I dinna think the lads and lassies will care much aboot usin’ it!”

c) Is being emitted from your son’s cell phone right now, only you can’t hear it

d) All the above

If you answered “d” you are absolutely…wrong. You weren’t trying very hard, were you? No, the correct answer is “c.”

It all started across the Atlantic. It seems that some shopkeepers in the UK were becoming fed up with groups of teens loitering outside their stores.

Now as people age, their ability to hear higher frequencies begins to deteriorate (stay with me here--we’ll get back to the loiterers). A Welsh security company developed an ultrasonic device, called the Mosquito, that would produce a high-pitched buzz. The tone was high enough that it would be annoying to youthful ears but inaudible to most adults, the shopkeepers assuming that adults would be more interested in engaging in credit card transactions than smoking outside the door. They may or may not have been right about this.

But in that can-do creative spirit that so typifies our great country, American youths are using that same technology to pull one over on their elders. Though students are usually required to turn off cell phones during school hours, with the “Teen Buzz” ring tone they might be able to sneak an incoming call or two past the ears of their teachers.

On the other hand, even if most teachers can’t detect the ring, they’ll probably be able to hear somebody whispering, “Hey--gotta call you back. I’m, like, in the middle of geometry. Yeah, I’m all ‘find the perimeter.’ Uh, oh—here comes Mr. Watkins.”

The Mosquito isn’t the only sound that has been used to prevent congregating teens. Some businesses play classical or other music they think will be considered uncool to today’s youth. Come on, teens—you’re not going to let a harpsichord scare you off, are you? What if the classical music thing caught on like the Mosquito tone? I can see it now…

A carload of youths pulls up to a stoplight; other drivers can feel the booming cannons of the 1812 Overture. At the mall, a cluster of high school girls raves over the latest oboe concerto ring tone.

But until that happens, parents, if your daughter suddenly jumps up in the middle of dinner for no apparent reason to grab her cell phone, you’ll know what’s going on.

It almost makes you appreciate those beeps, riffs, and sirens--at least you can hear them.

A Laptop in Every Backpack

Let’s say you were going to contribute around a hundred dollars toward something that would be of great educational benefit for a child in an undeveloped nation. Would you spend it on:

a. A kit of basic supplies including notebook and blank paper, pencils, a calculator, paints, a dictionary, and a globe?

b. Building materials to help construct a school?

c. A “starter” laptop that will enable a child to learn chat, gaming, and googling skills?

If you chose answer c, give yourself a w00t and go to the head of the class!

A non-profit association, One Laptop Per Child, is making efforts to develop and distribute moderately-priced laptop computers to nations around the world. The laptops, which will have 512 MB of storage (flash) and 128 MB of RAM, will be sold to governments and issued to school children. They may be small on storage capacity, but they’re big on fun! (the laptops, not the governments).

You might wonder who’s helping to fund this project...who would invest millions of dollars to see to it that kids learn the basics of computer/internet use? One sponsor is an entity whose name is virtually synonymous with the word “search”: U.S. airport security.

No, no. I’m talking, of course, about Google. They, along with other organizations, are making sure that a whole generation of kids will be able to learn the value of information, of connectivity, and of including AdSense on their websites.

Nicholas Negroponte, founder and chairman of OLPC, brought 50 laptops to a rural school in Cambodia a few years ago. The result? “The first English word those kids learned was ‘Google,’” he said, “because that’s where they were spending all their time.” Enough said.

The OLPC units aren’t actually in mass production yet, so in the meantime, here are a few other ideas:

• One iPhone Per Child: comes pre-loaded with the complete set of Schoolhouse Rock classics including I’m Just a Bill, and Conjunction Junction. What else might a student do with an iPhone? Snap a quick picture of the answer key while walking by the teacher’s desk; use SMS messaging to let friends know the cute boy finally said “hi;” watch YouTube videos when geometry class gets a little slow; call up Al Gore to thank him for inventing the internet…the applications are only limited by the student’s imagination!

• One Mocha Frappuccino Per Child: Hand ‘em out first thing in the morning, teachers, and “jump-start” those young brains. Watch their eyes glow with the excitement of learning! Or possibly from a caffeine/sugar high!

• One Blog Per Child: One of the precious gifts of education is gaining access to a wide and rich vocabulary that can be used to make insightful observations about life. But blogging is more fun.

So is it a worthy goal to share technology with those who might not otherwise be able to afford it? Certainly. Will the OLPC project make a significant contribution toward the educational development of children around the world?

I’ll let Indian Department of Education Secretary Sudeep Banerjee answer that question. Secretary Banerjee, who more or less asked the OLPC solicitor to please take India off their list, wrote that the project “may actually be detrimental to the growth of creative and analytical abilities of the child….We need classrooms and teachers more urgently than fancy tools.”

And I’ll bet he didn’t need a laptop to determine that.

Pie Crust Prohibition

Hey, New Yorkers: bad news for those of you fond of stopping for a donut on the way to work…artificial trans fat is being booted out of New York City restaurants, just like the smokers. I’m sure the feelings of many can be summed up in these well-known lyrics:

Start spreadin’ the news---
I’m leaving today.
Trans fat’s no longer welcome in New York, New York.

I want to wake up in a city that sells good eats;
To find a cream puff (cheese-filled),
Marbleized meat.

These “handles of love”
May soon melt away…
I’ll make a brand new start of it--me and my fork.

If I can’t eat it there
I’ll eat my cake elsewhere.
Goodbye to you, New York, New York!

Guess that’s what happens when you nickname your city “The Big Apple” instead of “The Big Éclair.”

Remember those “speakeasies” that popped up during the 1920’s prohibition of alcohol? Bet we’ll start seeing that sort of thing in NYC for trans fat social eaters. I can see it now…

The sign on the restaurant reads “Jacque’s French Cuisine Health Haven,” but regular patrons know that if you order the “Les Batons de Pomme de Terre,” you get a mound of french fries loaded with partially-hydrogenated goodness. Ask for “Les Cercles de Bonté,” and you get a plate of trans fat-intensive chocolate chip cookies. And “Le Seau d'abondance” is simply a tub of shortening with a spoon. One day, a wary waiter approaches a table with an unfamiliar face…

Waiter: Bonjour! May I take your order?

Patron: I hear you serve trans-fatty foods.

Waiter: No, Monsieur! Jacque’s serves only heart-healthy foods cooked in light--

Patron: Look, I need a fix, and fast. Gimme a carrot cake with a generous topping of cream cheese icing---easy on the carrots.

Waiter: You are mistaken, Monsieur! We absolutely do not--

Patron: Here’s twenty bucks. Keep the change.

Waiter: You want fries with that?

And don’t think it will stop with trans fat. It won’t be long before we’ll start seeing news stories like this…

City of New York to Ban “Death Drops”

NEW YORK - First it was trans fat; now the New York City Board of Health has set its sights another food danger: peppermints.

New York City restaurants have until July 2007 to phase out these candies which, according to Board officials, pose a significant choking hazard.

“We’re not talking about those small chalk-like chewy mints,” says Health Commissioner Gary Nayschen. “I mean the red and white hard candy disks. After-Dinner Airway Plugs, we at the Board of Health call them.”

Restaurants are encouraged to consider alternatives to the traditional bowl of peppermints by the cash register. Suggestions include offering raw okra pods, “fun-size” boxes of raisins, or sprigs of cilantro tied with tiny festive ribbons.

“They could even provide finger bowls of baking soda at each table, if patrons are concerned about post-dinner breath odor,” says Nayschen. “Just lick your finger, stick it in the baking soda and ‘brush’ your teeth. Then swish and spit into your table spitoon. Sure, you may feel a little awkward at first, but not as awkward as having a waiter grab you to perform the Heimlich maneuver, I’d be willing to bet.”

Nayschen holds up a T-shirt. “It’s part of our campaign to spread the word about the new ordinance,” he explains. “All of us at the Board of Health will be wearing them tomorrow. It says, ‘No More Peppermints--We’re Not Choking.’”
--------------

So start spreadin’ the margarine, New York--at least while you can. And you might consider stocking up on peppermints. Just in case.

Santa Letter Like You've Never Seen

Remember the fun you had as a child during the holiday season with a piece of notebook paper, a crayon, and dreams of all the things you hoped to get for Christmas? And how your mother leaned over to glance at your letter to Santa and said, with a smile, “Corvette has two ‘t’s,’ sweetie. But if you think Santa is going to bring you one of those, you must be even more dim-witted than your poor math grades indicate.” Ah, the holiday memories!

But I’ll bet you don’t remember ever getting a reply from Santa. Now, thanks to eBay, your child can receive that letter you never got--straight from the North Pole! Well, Canada, anyway.

One eBay seller from Ontario is offering a personalized letter from Santa with “North Pole Alaska postmark, all enclosed in a larger envelope...giving you the opportunity to read the contents first.” A nice security touch, in case one of those mischievous Canadian elves encourages the child to write back and include his parents’ bank account info.

But the letter is much more than a wonderful way to make the magic of the season come alive for a special child…it’s also a wonderful way to browbeat that child in the name of Jolly Old St. Nick. The item description asks buyers to include, among other things, “your parental wish for a child--wish my child would clean her/his room, do homework first, etc.” You better watch out, Billy, and I’m telling you why: Santa Claus isn’t feeling too jolly about those math grades.

You can even choose what type of letter you’d like Santa to write, including--and I quote:

• Traditional Loving Letter From Santa
• Wonderful Letter from Hi-Tech Santa
• Humorous Letter from Santa
• Letter from Santa with Environmental Concerns

I think we can pretty much imagine the “traditional loving” letter from Santa, but what about the others?

Maybe something like this…

From Hi-Tech Santa:

billy--hey, how r u? b n good? yr math grades r not 2 gr8 i hear. LOL! Try 2 do better, k? c u on X-mas. --the big S

Humorous Letter from Santa:

Dear Billy,

So these three priests walk into a bar---hold on a minute, son, wrong joke list! Okay, here we go…

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snow way you’re getting that Xbox with those crummy math grades.

Ho, ho, ho! Just a humorous reminder, my young friend, that you should work hard in school--very hard. At least until the Christmas break. (Kidding! Just a little joke for you parents who are pre-reading this letter.)

One more…
Q: Does Santa ever use eBay?
A: No, the elves always do his bidding.

Shaking Like a Bowlful of Jelly,
St. Nick

p.s. Parents: be sure and check out our other auction items!

Letter from Santa with Environmental Concerns:

Dear Billy,

I write to you (on 100% post consumer recycled paper) from the North Pole, where evidence of our planet’s shrinking ozone layer can be seen with frightening clarity. The elves, who this very moment are working on a solar panel to power my entire workshop, are waiting for me to tell them what toys they should make for you. I think they’ll have to wait a bit longer, Billy--at least until we see how you do on that upcoming long division test.

I don’t think I need remind you that your math grades aren’t too impressive right now. If you want something besides grass biofuel pellets in your stocking (I don’t use coal anymore), I suggest you make some quick and marked improvements in that area. Here’s a little math question to give you some extra practice:

Q: If every commuter car in the U.S. carried one extra person, we’d save eight billion gallons of gas per year. How much gas would we save if each car carried three more people?
A: Not nearly enough to stop the horrific and relentless spiral of destruction we are bringing upon our fragile planet.

Have a Green Christmas,
Santa Claus

p.s. About those milk and cookies…please try to make them organic this year.

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Hurry, parents; bidding ends December 11!

Today in History; Tomorrow a Pie Piece

Every once in a while it’s a good idea to pause and consider some of the turning points of history. In doing so, we can learn from the successes and mistakes of those who came before. It helps us appreciate how our lives have been affected by developments in technology, medicine, and other areas. And it’s something to do when you’re trying to avoid raking leaves.

Sure, we could stand back and admire the broad strokes on the canvas of time, but what about the detailed brushwork of everyday life? That’s where “this day in history” lists come in handy. For example, did you know that on this day in the year 1849, the first poultry show opened in Boston? If you’re like me, there’s nothing you’d rather do on November 15th than watch a group of chickens perform light musical comedy, but no doubt you’ve wondered when this tradition began.

Or this: on November 15, 1937, the U.S. congressional session was held in air-conditioned chambers for the first time. (“Well, gentlemen, the heat of the afternoon is upon us, but with this new miracle we can continue to levy taxes far into the evening.” “Hear, hear!”)

Though you won’t find most of these historical tidbits in textbooks, they’re no less important. Well, maybe slightly less important. Okay--so they’re really of no use except for winning a yellow pie piece in Trivial Pursuit. But perhaps you’d rather head outside and start tackling that lawn work? I thought not.

Back to the history lesson….do you know what happened on November 15, 1492? If you paid even the slightest bit of attention in seventh grade history class, you must not have gone to my school since, as I recall, we spent most of our time passing notes. But for the rest if you, 1492 should bring to mind the famous French explorer Christopher Columbus.*

*Note: To those who feel compelled to inform me that Christopher Columbus was not French: calm down and cancel that e-mail. It was just a little joke! Of course I learned in seventh grade (from Melissa, two rows over, who described in the same note a “really gross guy” who tried to sit by her on the bus) that Columbus was Greek.

It was on this day, 514 years ago, that Christopher Columbus gave us the first written record of tobacco. No doubt you’ve heard the children’s ditty about his voyage; the events of November 15th are also memorialized in a poem:

In fourteen hundred ninety-two
Columbus saw the natives chew.

He grabbed his journal; his pen did fly.
“This leaf,” he wrote, “is for to die.”

He liked the taste; he liked the smell,
The sailors were impressed as well.

On that fall day their dream came true,
You never saw a happier crew.

“By R.J. Reynolds!” Chris declared,
“E’en though lung function be impaired,

“Though health insurance rates may soar
And smokers file lawsuits galore,

“This wondrous leaf shall be extolled!
(Especially when it’s dried and rolled).”

Did Chris find India? No, not quite.
“Oh, well,” he shrugged. “You got a light?”

So next time your child asks, “Why do I have to memorize these all these dates? What’s the point of studying history, anyway?” you can smile knowingly and reply, “Beats me. Now go out and rake the leaves.”

Doc W's Food for Thought

Wait! Before you take another bite…what are you eating and, more importantly, why?

These are questions marketing professor and “food psychologist” Brian Wansink would like to answer. Dr. Wansink and his team of researchers at Cornell University have been attempting to uncover the hidden motivations behind our eating habits…and they’re not above using a little Beefaroni along the way.

In one experiment, test subjects were asked to eat a plate of Beefaroni and vegetables. Only thing is, the scientific snack was first “accidentally” coughed on by a researcher in front of the test subject. Dr. Wansink discovered that, under these circumstances, people were actually inclined to eat less. Future experiments may include sneezing in the test subject’s bowl of minestrone or singing “Danny Boy” into the subject’s plate of french-style green beans. Results should give us valuable data about the workings of the human mind--assuming participants don’t dump their food onto researchers before stomping out of the room.

According to a review of his recently published book, Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think, Dr. Wansink’s research reveals other insightful food-related observations. Take this one: an open candy dish in your home or office makes it more likely that you will snack on the contents---even when you aren’t hungry. Hold onto your hats and put the lids on your candy dishes, America--the world of nutritional psychology is about to be shaken to its foundations!

Some of the findings have useful everyday applications, such as the one suggesting that a brownie served on a plate of fine china is perceived as being tastier and more expensive than the same brownie placed on a napkin.

I can see it now…

“Why, Louise, what a lovely luncheon you prepared for the Ladies’ Bridge Club. I feel as though I’ve just had afternoon tea at Buckingham Palace! It must have taken you forever to make everything.”

“Thank you, Marsha, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: it took me hardly any time at all. I simply served the food on the heirloom china that once belonged to my great-aunt Harriet. That was no gourmet lunch.”

“You mean--”

“That’s right, Louise--you just ate stale Cheetos and Vienna sausage.”

“No! Who would have thought…but what about those luscious, buttery rolls? Surely they were--”

“Nothing more than balled up slices of Wonder Bread.”

“Amazing!”

“But not a word to the other ladies.”

“No, no, of course not.”

“Now, if you wouldn’t mind, I could use a hand serving dessert.”

“Of course! Ah, authentic Italian gelato.”

“Or so it would seem, Marsha. Actually, it’s slightly frozen chocolate pudding served in expensive crystal parfait glasses.”

“Ha, ha! I’ve got to hand it to you, Louise, you certainly didn’t knock yourself out with lavish food preparations!”

So what can we learn from Dr. Wansink’s observations? Simply this: that the mind is an endlessly fascinating subject for study; that by probing deeply into our subconscious we may gain greater control over our habits and behavior; and that if you want your guests to finish their food, avoid hacking on it in their presence. Even Aunt Harriet’s china won’t save that meal.

Navigation Systems: Will They Drive Us Crazy?

I’m not sure how I feel about these newfangled car navigation systems that use computer-generated voices. With this technology, drivers are given real-time instructions, directed by the computer to “go three miles,” or “turn left here.” It can even offer commentary on driving behavior, such as “you are driving 15 miles over the speed limit,” a function previously performed by the driver’s wife. Future models may someday include such exhortations as, “There’s no point in tailgating that guy,” or “Would you please stop whistling, This Land is Your Land?”

Of course, the computer may not be as helpful as you think. Take the recent example of a German motorist. According to one news report, after his navigation system ordered him to “Turn right now!” the driver obeyed and promptly went off the road, up a stairway, and into a small toilet hut. I certainly hope no one was “visiting the hut” at the time, but it seems to me that if you choose to install your toilet hut at the top of a stairway, you’re just asking for trouble.

One has to admire the loyalty of this guy to his navigation system. “Hmm,” he must have been thinking, “I don’t remember the parking lot at Karl’s apartment being up a flight of stairs…but, darn it, if my onboard computer says to turn right, I’m going to turn right! I just hope I can get that plunger off my hood without damaging the paint.”

I think I’ll stick to the traditional MapQuest printout (which is traditionally left behind on the kitchen counter) for my navigational needs. But I wouldn’t mind having an onboard computer to give me other helpful hints. Some examples:

“Yo, Leadfoot---we’re coming up on that corner where the cops like to hang out.”

“Approaching a drive-thru Starbucks. May I suggest a Grande Banana Caramel Frappuccino this time?”

“You’ll find that missing jazz CD under the left rear seat…not to mention a couple of bucks in change.”

“You might want to think about stopping by the library to return Moby Dick, since you’ve had it checked out for six months and are still on page 20. He doesn’t get the whale, by the way.”

“If you really give it the gas and squeeze in front of that Dodge Caravan, you can shave a good 0.3 seconds off your travel time.”

As for getting lost, if you’ve forgotten to bring along your MapQuest directions, you can always stop and ask for help. I’m sure people would be more than happy to tell you where to go--especially if you just ran into their toilet hut.

Yahoo! It’s an E-Capsule.

Yesterday Yahoo began collecting contributions for an electronic time capsule, the creation of artist Jonathan Harris. “The Internet giant,” reports a news story, “invited people worldwide to contribute pictures, videos, songs, ideas, drawings or anything else they could digitize for a ‘first-ever electronic anthropology project’ to document human life in 2006.” The time capsule will be buried in Silicon Valley; the data will also be converted into an optic stream and beamed into space at a ceremony to be held in Mexico later this month. It’s not clear who are the intended recipients of the largest attached file ever sent; perhaps Yahoo suspects there are hidden inhabitants in the outer reaches of the Milky Way. If so, let’s hope they aren’t still using dial-up.

“You don’t have to be a gadget hound or tech savvy to know how to do these things any more,” says Yahoo editor-in-chief Srinija Srinivasan. Not sure what Srinivasan means by “these things,” but if she’s referring to converting data into an optic stream which is directed into the outer reaches of space, I must have missed the class on that one (though I am able to beam contact entries from my Palm Pilot to someone standing nearby).

Themes from which contributors may choose include love, anger, fun, sorrow, faith, beauty, past, now, hope and you. Below are my thoughts on each of these topics:

Love--Double-espresso. It’s hot!
Anger--When I find out, as the dental assistant is poking at my molars, that a cleaning is no longer included in the price of a regular check-up
Fun--A James Thurber humor essay collection, a bag of Jordan almonds, and a recliner
Sorrow--Guests who want to play Scrabble after dinner or, God forbid, a game of bridge
Faith--That those guys at the car repair shop will fix the brake pads without “discovering” a “needed” expensive transmission repair. Yeah right, fellows--interesting that the transmission seemed just fine before I got here. (Maybe this should have gone under “anger.”)
Beauty--The bright shade of green on a traffic light when you’re running late for soccer pick-up
Past--Let’s all stop for a moment of silent thanks that upturned polo-shirt collars and leg warmers are no longer fashionable.
Now--See my contribution (note: Yahoo Time Capsule apparently doesn’t like curly apostrophes; it should be “don’t,” not “donât”).
Hope--That spinach won’t be back on the grocery store shelves anytime soon
You--See above

So how about you? What are some of your thoughts, associations, and/or descriptions of any of these themes? Comments on this blog won’t be sent to the Plutonians--but they’d probably delete e-mail from Earth as spam anyway. And who can blame them, now that we’ve downgraded their “planet?”

Happy World Smile Day! : )

Did you know that today, October 6, is World Smile Day? Held each year on the first Friday in October, it was first celebrated seven years ago in Worcester, Massachusetts.

And just what, you may ask, does Worcester have to smile about? (Other than hearing non-natives attempt to pronounce the word “Worcester”).

The smiley-face, that’s what. Harvey Ball, a commercial artist from Worcester, came up with the symbol in 1963 as part of a client’s morale-boosting campaign. The client, State Mutual Life Assurance Company, handed out smiley-face buttons to its employees, encouraging them to be friendly and courteous to customers while they were denying their claims.

I don’t know about this encouraging people to smile stuff. Personally, I think we could all do with a little less of it. Just take a look at those numerous ads featuring groups of people overcome with acute fits of hilarity over, say, a new cell phone, a pair of jeans, or a honey-glazed ham. The unspoken assumption here is that if you buy the advertised product, you, too, can attain youth, joyful camaraderie, and teeth with that bright just-Photoshopped look.

And the problem isn’t just in print--strangers smiling at me in person make me nervous, too. Why are they smiling? Should I smile back? Is this someone from my neighborhood with whom I’m on waving terms but have never actually seen up close? Maybe it’s somebody on a cell phone call using one of those tiny ear phones I can’t see, which I’ll realize after I return the smile and hear him mutter, “Hang on--some weirdo is grinning at me.” Or perhaps it’s someone smirking at the fact that I’m walking around the grocery store having forgotten to remove my name tag that says, “Hi! I’m Trevor’s Mom!” (An unlikely scenario, granted, since I don’t have a child named Trevor).

But back to Worcester…the Harvey Ball World Smile Foundation sponsors a contest in conjunction with the World Smile Day festivities. This year’s theme: “Keep Your Eyes on the Pies.” No, it won’t involve cows, but it may make the contestants just as sick; it’s a pie-eating contest. Now I enjoy a good apple pie as much as the next person, but it seems to me that frantically shoveling in mouthful after mouthful of any dessert wouldn’t tend to induce a smile. It would tend to induce indigestion.

I just hope that when somebody collapses from hyperglycemia in the middle of the contest, the city’s insurance will cover it. I wouldn’t count on it, though, especially if they use State Mutual Life.

At least they’ll get their denial with a smile.

Sumo Wrestling Our Way to a Better Tomorrow

“There's been a decline in interest in Math and the Sciences in schools in recent years,” reads the shocking opening of recent news story.

You may well be asking yourself, “Whose interest is declining? The students’ or the teachers’? And is ‘a decline in interest’ just a polite way of saying that kids across the nation wouldn’t know a geometry proof from an artichoke?” The article doesn’t tell us.

It does tell us, however, that NASA and Honeywell have teamed up to do something about it. Introducing FMA Live--a multimedia extravaganza complete with booming music, “daring dance moves,” a “rockumentary” about Sir Isaac Newton, and some scientific slapstick including demonstrations of Sumo wrestling and even pies-in-the-face.

The name of the show is a reference to Newton’s second law of motion, summarized by the formula F=ma, which suggests that the rate of a falling apple is not related to whether it’s “Granny Smith” or “Red Delicious.”

The purpose of FMA Live? To create a generation of students who will be intrigued and inspired by science and math; a generation that will produce our future engineers and astronauts; a generation that won’t fast-forward through the boring parts of Apollo 13.

I can picture that first FMA Live brainstorming session…

NASA Executive: Okay, people--what we want to do is come up with an educational presentation that will capture the imagination of the youth, encouraging them to pursue careers in math and science.

Engineer: I’ve got it! We can bring in a giant model of a 747 and discuss the forces that act upon an airplane in flight.

Executive: Nah….too boring.

Scientist: How about this: we show a video that discusses global warming and then break up into groups, asking students to consider these environmental issues in order to build a better future.

Executive: Nah…too serious.

Engineer: Well, for crying out--look, if excitement and laughs are what you’re after why don’t we just have a couple of teachers dress up like Sumo wrestlers, get up on stage, and knock each other out with loud music blaring in the background?

Executive: Hmm…I like it.

And thus the program was born.

Of course NASA and Honeywell realize that sumo wrestling and hip hop music alone aren’t going to ensure that students begin to excel in math and science. It will take far more than a passing familiarity with Isaac Newton’s apple to send, say, a manned mission to Mars. It will take something that perhaps NASA and Honeywell can’t quite put their fingers on--specifically, billions of billions of dollars.

But the way math scores are headed, our future congresspersons probably won’t be able to count that many zeros anyway.