Life a la Carte

My April Suburban Scene humor column:


Life a la Carte
by Angie Brennan

We live in an age of niche gone nuts. Consider television….the old days of a handful of channels is only a vague memory. With cable TV you can watch practically anything; search long enough and you’ll probably come across such stations as the Dangle-Earrings Home Shopping Network or the X-treme Nine-Ball Billiards Channel.

Then there’s the book store. You want fiction--okay, so what’ll it be? Mystery? Romance? Health? (You know, health fiction--books with titles like “Losing Weight the Quick and Easy Way,” or “The Secret Revealed: Eat Cheesecake Twice a Day and Watch the Pounds Melt Away!”)

Awhile back I discovered a website that features a collection of internet-based radio stations. It offers a mind-boggling variety of music. In the mood for some jazz? You can choose from Blues, Salsa, Bossa Nova, “Smooth, but not too Smooth,” Weimar Rundfunk (Beats me. Sounds intriguing.), and even all-Christmas jazz.

I clicked around and explored the classical stations. Besides the usual “Tortured Love Songs Screeched in Italian” station or the “Mozart, Mozart, and More Mozart” station, there were a number of offerings that defied classification…

How about this one: “Contemporary music of all genres, choir, chamber, orchestra, organ, by Swedish composer—All music you need!” [sic] Yes, I would imagine that after about ten minutes, my contemporary Swedish choir music needs would have been fully met. And then some.

And what about food? Even shopping for popcorn can be overwhelming for the sheer number of choices. Do you want Lightly Buttered, Purposefully Buttered, or Great Glopping Gobs of Butter? Or maybe you’re looking for one that’s sweet and salty…should you get “Sweet ‘n Sorta Salty,” or “Subtly Sweet Swimming in Salt?” Besides buttered and salted, there’s a whole host of flavored popcorn varieties. Some make up for their fairly unadventurous flavor by using alternate spellings: Karoline’s Karmel Pop Korn. The health conscious have their choices, too, such as Light ‘n Fit Packin’ Peanut flavored popcorn. And there are flavors that are downright revolting--Smell o’ Seaweed Brine Shrimp flavored popcorn.

Well, it could happen. I can see it now…one evening the vice president of Orville Redenbacher is dining at his favorite seafood restaurant. Suddenly he pauses, fork in midair, and stares at his plate full of popcorn shrimp. “Why not?” he thinks. “Shrimp-flavored popcorn…somebody out there will buy it.”

And he’s right. It’ll probably be the person at home watching the Simply Shrimp Cooking Channel.

Anatomy of a Coffee Snob

I wasn’t always a coffee snob.

When I started drinking coffee in college, I did so for purely utilitarian reasons. It was part of a desperate plan to improve my plummeting biology grades. I figured that staying awake during class would be a key step in this effort. It didn’t help--either with nap-prevention or with my grades.

One important thing I did learn during that semester was that there are few beverages more repulsive than hazelnut-flavored instant coffee. To this day, whenever I get a whiff of hazelnut flavoring I’m hit with a sudden wave of nausea, followed by an odd compulsion to diagram the reproductive cycle of a daffodil.

After my Tasters’ Choice college years, I began my journey toward a full-fledged caffeine habit, taking tentative steps toward the grown-up world of real coffee consumption.

Read the rest HERE.

For the Love of Gorham, Kids--Stop Giving Me Stuff in My China Pattern!

Look, Chad and Danielle, I know you two thought it was pretty cool that your ol’ Mom finally got up the nerve to ditch that awful china Great Aunt Louise forced on me 30 years ago. And I admit that I was pretty excited when I settled on my new pattern, “Saffron Kuntry Dreams.” It was sweet of you both to help me start building up my new collection.

What a surprise, Chad, when you presented me with that Saffron Kuntry Dreams Poultry Platter for Christmas! It was a surprise not only because that platter wasn’t cheap, but also because, as you know, your father and I are both vegetarians. But never fear, son--I’m using that platter as a handy holder for the many other pieces I’ve received so far.

For example, the Savory Saffron Soup Bowls Danielle gave me last Mother’s Day. Not to mention the EZ-Open Kuntry Kanisters, the Sassy Saffron Sake Saucers, the Kwik-View Kuntry Kookin’ Recipe Box, and even the Swirlin’ Saffron Ceiling Fan Blades--each item featuring my new pattern! Every last one.

You two have certainly latched on to this thing. Makes for pretty easy shopping for ‘ol Mom, doesn’t it? Just go to the website, find some random stuff in my pattern, add to cart, and you’re done.

The truth is, kids, my Saffron Kuntry Dreams are turning into nightmares. About my birthday coming up…how about a nice card and a little bouquet of flowers? And no need to put them in a Saffron Kuntry Dreams 12-inch Decorative Daisy Decanter. I’ve already got one.

Holiday Basket Case

Hey, kids, come look at what Aunt Edna sent--it’s our annual holiday gift basket of food-like products! Calm down, Jeremy. Yes, it’s really here! Your ol' dad wouldn’t kid around about something like that.

Sure, son, so ahead and launch in on the ever-popular Thrice-Smoked Beef Cylinder. I don’t think you’re likely to find such a fine hunk o’ sodium-intensive protein anywhere. Whoops--looks like you forgot to remove the paper wrapper first. No taste difference? Then gnaw away, son, gnaw away!
Keep reading here.

Ask Aunt Angie

Dear Aunt Angie,

It's about fruits and vegetables...we all know how important it is to include them in our diet. So how can I make my kids want to eat them?

Sincerely,
Pea-Pushing Parent

Dear Pea Pusher,

Before I offer my suggestion, I’m going to give you some typical answers to this question--and why they won’t work.

READ MORE AT SUBURBAN SCENE.NET

'Tis the Season...Not.

On the twelfth week ‘fore Christmas the mall stores gave to me, red bows and wreaths way too early…

It’s the same old story year after year. Before we’ve even had a chance to start enjoying autumn, the retail industry starts its mad rush toward the holiday season. Buildings still running air conditioning are decked out in faux fir garlands and lights. Before you’ve figured out who will be hosting Thanksgiving dinner, store circulars are consoling you with the fact that it’s not too late to start your holiday shopping. And, yes, even before you’ve had a chance to eat two of the ten bags of candy you bought for trick-or-treaters, “The Little Drummer Boy” is being piped over the store sound system.

Well, that’s not going to happen here at Angie’s Humor Blog. It’s October--the season of Smarties and Fun-Size Bars. Read more in my October Suburban Scene humor column…

Food for Thought

There I was, sitting at the table snacking on potato chips, when a festive printed ribbon on the bag caught my eye: “Same Great Flavor; New Chip.”

_

I tried to put it out of my mind and concentrate instead on the exquisite blend of sour cream and cheddar. But I just couldn’t shake the question that kept creeping back: what in the name of Utz was that slogan supposed to mean?

I could understand “Same Great Flavor; New Look” if they’d recently changed their logo from one featuring a little girl with a nose to the current noseless one. “Great Flavor; New Chip” would also make sense. Maybe that slogan wouldn’t earn the advertising industry’s excellence in creativity award, but it would make the simple point: this is a new flavor and it tastes good.

So how, exactly, does one explain a new chip with an old flavor?

Soon I began to wonder what other interesting food for thought I might find lurking in my pantry.

(click on images for a closer look)

First I checked out my whole wheat bread. I had no idea, when I purchased Stroehmann Dutch Country wheat bread, that I was treating my family to the wholesome goodness of a Pennsylvania Dutch original recipe.

I’ll just bet those Amish have a special annual ceremony where they pass on their secret bread recipes to the next generation. I can see it now…the youths are led to the kitchen, seated on handmade stools, and instructed thus:

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“Pay attention, young vons, to the vunderful bread recipe passed on from your great-great grandmutters….After adding milk, ye should use just a vee bit of monocalcium phosphate. Das ist followed by just so much sodium stearoyl lactylate. Und finish off vith a trivial amount of soy flour.”

Truly, a bite of this bread is like taking a step back in time to a slower, more natural pace. With a few added preservatives.

~~~~~

I stopped short when I came across this can of refried beans:

I’m pretty sure I didn’t look at it closely when I bought it. It’s just as well, since I prefer not to experience nausea while grocery shopping. I think this product earns the “Most Unappetizing Label Ever” award. Nothing sells a can of traditional refried beans like a picture saying “I’ve just been sick.” ¡Muy Bien, Safeway!

~~~~~

In prowling around the kitchen, I ended up at my recipe bookshelf. One cookbook in particular caught my attention; it was put together by my great aunt’s church a number of years ago. And while I’m sure most of those ladies (and a few fellows) who contributed the recipes could out-cook me with one arm tied behind their back, a few of these recipes…well, let's just say they deserved some special Angie Awards. Contributors’ names have been distorted--you never know when your great aunt’s friends might be blog surfing.

First off, “Basic Meat Dish with Most Inexplicably Exotic-Sounding Name” award:

“It is What it is, Darn it, No Need to Come Up with a Fancy Name” award:

“You're Crazy if You Think I'm Gonna Knock Myself Out Making Dinner Tonight” award:

_

_

Here are a couple of recipes with a dash of intrigue and mystery:

Janna’s Tradition Rolls. We aren’t informed of what tradition may have inspired Janna to prepare these sour cream flavored pastries. And what, exactly, is oleo? Wikipedia offers these possible definitions:

• Margarine
• Oleic acid
• Oleo (shock absorber), A type of shock absorbers on airplane landing gear
• Oleo (composition), a Sonny Rollins bebop piece
• Óleo, a city in the São Paulo state in Brazil
• GNU Oleo, a spreadsheet program
• A popular Lyrics website at www.oleo.tv

I’m guessing Janna’s tradition had something to do with Sonny Rollins, but we’ll probably never know for sure.

~~~~

Another recipe with more questions than answers:

Did the contributor actually get this recipe while attending deer camp? What, exactly, does one do at such a camp--other than attract ticks?

Or perhaps the contributor’s pet deer sent a postcard from camp--something along the lines of this:
_

~~~~~~

And last, but not least…

Ever said to yourself, “Sure, preparing boiled water seems pretty straightforward, but I’d love to improve my technique. Where can I turn for help?” Look no further:

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-I think the secret here is to stir your boiling water only once. No doubt you’ll feel tempted to make an extra go around the pot, but if you ever want to reach the level of gourmet boiler, resist the urge.

Boiled water and toast: perfect for those little unexpected visits from convicted felons. Makes them feel right at home!

~~~~

Well, humor-lovers, that’s all I have for you now from my kitchen. Until next time, practice that water-boiling and give some thought to how you might start your own special oleo tradition---with or without a helping of Sonny Rollins.

Water, Water, Everywhere

Here is my July Suburban Scene humor column, “Water, Water, Everywhere--but it’s Gonna Cost You.”

Oh, and in case you think I made up the part about bottled water for dogs...no, I didn't.

Using Your Noodle This Month

Did you know that March is Noodle Month? That's right--it's that time of the year again when we venerate vermicelli and laud lasagna! But are you truly prepared to observe it properly? How much do you know about the noodle? Try this brief quiz:

1. What are some good uses for fettuccini?

A. There are none
B. As a bookmark (not recommended for use in hardcover works of Ayn Rand or any other excessively wordy author)
C. As the main ingredient in fettuccini Alfredo, one of the highest-fat yet tasteless dishes known to mankind

2. Which noodle is most likely to be used in a child's science project about railroad tracks?

A. Linguine
B. Ristretto
C. Mine. And I just hate it when I have to do my kid's science project.

3. Should rice be used at wedding receptions?

A. No. Cake tastes better.
B. Guests should throw birdseed instead of rice.
C. Why make a rule about it? Guests should throw Kleenex™, dimes, cashews, library cards, PDA styli, or whatever they happen to have on hand.

4. Does chicken noodle soup really help relieve colds?

A. Yes
B. No; it's simply a way for savvy mothers to sneak a little extra sodium into their children's diets
C. Only if you add Ny-Quil

5. Which do you think is the worst time-waster?

A. Making your own noodles from scratch
B. Doing crafts with dried macaroni
C. Taking tests about noodles.

Correct answers:
1. B
2. C
3. A
4. C
5. A, B, and C

And now, a little poem I cooked up in honor of Noodle month, served here for your enjoyment:

March for Noodles

Three cheers for noodles! Pasta strips
That so enrich our lives.
They're good with sausage, good with cheese,
With garlic, oil, or chives.

They're glued on paper--food turned art.
They're yellow, red, or green.
Spaghetti cooked and cooled is used
As brains at Halloween.

All hail, thou noodle: vital part
Of tasty Ramen soup.
We dedicate this month to you,
O low-fat, starch food group!

Incidentally, March is also Middle School month. Of course, there's no reason you can't observe both--and St. Patrick's Day to boot. Here's an idea: hold a St. Patty's Noodle Sale at your son's middle school in lieu of a bake sale with the traditional shamrock-shaped cookies. You could sell individual servings of dishes made with green pasta, for example, this tempting delicacy--though perhaps without the pine nuts, which bear an unfortunate resemblance to maggots. A group of 12-year-old girls screaming, "EEWWW! That's, like, SO GROSS!" will definitely not help sales.

It is possible that your son will suffer permanent psychological damage after his fellow middle schoolers begin calling him the "Noodle Nerd." And yet that's the risk we take when we fully commit to honoring Noodle Month. And so, together let us cry: long live linguine! At least until April gets here.

Phone-y Nutrition Advice

Dear Angie,

Last month I made a New Year's resolution to lose weight. I thought I was doing pretty well with my eating habits, but the scale indicates otherwise. What can I do? Where can I turn for help? Who's got the answer?

Sincerely,

Weighin' and Watchin'

Dear Weighin',

You no longer have to weigh and watch alone…introducing My Food Phone, a mobile health and dieting application. Here's how it works: snap a picture of your meal or snack using a camera phone and upload the photo to your online food journal where you can keep track of calorie intake, current BMI, and other data. You can share the pictures with friends or with a nutrition expert who will empower you to feel guilty for putting sour cream on your baked potato.

Let's see how a My Food Phone nutrition advisor might analyze one of your meal photos...

"Thanks for 'sharing' your lunch with me! Say, that was quite a burger. Did you eat the entire thing? Judging from the thick slice of cheese, mayonnaise oozing out the sides, and generous-sized meat patty, you should have enough fat to last you well into next week. Today's nutrition forecast: thighs in the upper 40's. Nice try with the salad; next time consider adding some lettuce to your bowl of ranch dressing."

According to their website, My Food Phone will help you "monitor what you eat, modify your eating habits, and get motivated along the way." The company is always looking for ways to improve its services. For example, nutrition experts are currently researching ways to change the phrase "get motivated" into a verb. They'll stop at nothing to motivate you!

As with any technology, there is potential for abuse. Clarida Wanson, a sales associate in her mid-thirties, was browsing the web one evening. Following a link to Flickr, she was stunned to see pictures of her lingerie. Wait--sorry, her linguine. "I was at Fazzini's for a business lunch last week," says Wanson, visibly shaken. "Some sicko obviously snapped a picture of my Linguine Alla Pescatore when I wasn't looking. But about that garlic bread dripping with butter and parmesan cheese…it wasn't mine, I swear! I don't know how it got so close to my plate."

Other chilling incidents have been reported as well. Central City police recently raided the home of Howard Billington, 58. After searching through his My Food Phone journal, they discovered hundreds of photos taken at restaurants, Starbucks cafes, company picnics, and hospital cafeterias. "I've seen a lot of stuff in my day," says Dan Galloway, Central City police chief, "But never a collection of like this. Fudgesicles, microwave chimichangas, Keebler 'Country Style' oatmeal cookies …The victims had no idea their food was going to end up in somebody else's photo journal." Galloway shakes his head. "I came close to quitting the force that day, let me tell you."

But don't let these stories keep you from considering using My Food Phone in your journey toward better health and digital photography skills.

Incidentally, Weighin', judging from the last three sentences of your letter, you may have a potential career in writing country music. I look forward to hearing your hit song, "I Got the Weight of the World on My Shoulders and My Hips." Good luck--and happy picture-taking!

Mumbo Jumbo Delivery

The following appeared in "The Crofton News-Crier" (Maryland) earlier this month.

Mumbo Jumbo Delivery
by Angie Brennan

The other night I ordered a pizza. When the delivery guy arrived, he shoved the box toward me with a muttered “Gddulkfrrzt.” I waited for him to elaborate. He didn’t.

“Excuse me?” I asked after a moment. “Lkgfrzt,” he explained, peering into his shirt pocket. Not having had many conversations like this, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond.

After he thrust his hands into the pockets of his jeans I decided I must either be witnessing some sort of new pizza delivery entertainment, or else he was searching for the credit card receipt. My second guess was correct.

“Ssnr,” he said, slapping the receipt and a pen on top of the pizza box. That one I figured out. I signed it and handed it back to him. “Nnks,” he muttered, “Hvgdvng.” “You have a good evening, too,” I replied, proud of myself for breaking the Domino’s Code.

Okay, look--I didn't expect the guy to articulate as if he were delivering a Shakespeare soliloquy instead of a large pepperoni. But would it have been too much to ask for an extra topping of vowels?

Of course, sometimes there’s a good reason for mumbling. You know what I’m talking about: a friend asks how you like her new haircut. Once you realize it’s a serious question you think better of your initial reaction, which is that you’ve seen better hairdos on schnauzers. Mumbling may come to the rescue here. Your friend might interpret “Itlksrg” as “It looks really good” when you’re actually saying “It’s like road kill.”

Mumbling isn’t the only speech misdemeanor being committed these days. There’s also the filler word/groan syndrome (“If you act now and, uh, buy my product, I'll throw in a product of, um, little or no value.”) and the gratuitous “like” (“Sounds great! I’m, like, totally in the market for products right now!”)

In these days of quick e-mails and text messaging with their cryptic word-compressions (“ru free 2 nite? 1 2 c a movie? call L8r, k?”) and abbreviations (LRRHBOIMMNOLSIAW--“laughing really, really hard but only in my mind, not out loud, since I’m at work”), it’s no wonder our speech skills have become a little rusty.

That doesn’t mean we all need to become professional orators. On the other hand, a little dramatic soliloquy on the part of the pizza guy might have been kind of fun. Something along the lines of:

"To tip, or not to tip: that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler to give your usual buck
Regardless of the fact that the pizza’s late
And your Canadian bacon has gone cold,
Or to refuse me your pitiful dollar
Which won’t exactly pay my apartment rent.
Too cheap; perchance you might try two dollars
Next time and see if your service improves.
For the pizza deliverer braves rain, wind---"

On second thought, maybe I'd prefer the mumbling after all.

Holiday Basket Case

Grab a beef stick to snack on and head over to McSweeney's Internet Tendency to read my humor piece, "Holiday Basket Case."

Pie Crust Prohibition

Hey, New Yorkers: bad news for those of you fond of stopping for a donut on the way to work…artificial trans fat is being booted out of New York City restaurants, just like the smokers. I’m sure the feelings of many can be summed up in these well-known lyrics:

Start spreadin’ the news---
I’m leaving today.
Trans fat’s no longer welcome in New York, New York.

I want to wake up in a city that sells good eats;
To find a cream puff (cheese-filled),
Marbleized meat.

These “handles of love”
May soon melt away…
I’ll make a brand new start of it--me and my fork.

If I can’t eat it there
I’ll eat my cake elsewhere.
Goodbye to you, New York, New York!

Guess that’s what happens when you nickname your city “The Big Apple” instead of “The Big Éclair.”

Remember those “speakeasies” that popped up during the 1920’s prohibition of alcohol? Bet we’ll start seeing that sort of thing in NYC for trans fat social eaters. I can see it now…

The sign on the restaurant reads “Jacque’s French Cuisine Health Haven,” but regular patrons know that if you order the “Les Batons de Pomme de Terre,” you get a mound of french fries loaded with partially-hydrogenated goodness. Ask for “Les Cercles de Bonté,” and you get a plate of trans fat-intensive chocolate chip cookies. And “Le Seau d'abondance” is simply a tub of shortening with a spoon. One day, a wary waiter approaches a table with an unfamiliar face…

Waiter: Bonjour! May I take your order?

Patron: I hear you serve trans-fatty foods.

Waiter: No, Monsieur! Jacque’s serves only heart-healthy foods cooked in light--

Patron: Look, I need a fix, and fast. Gimme a carrot cake with a generous topping of cream cheese icing---easy on the carrots.

Waiter: You are mistaken, Monsieur! We absolutely do not--

Patron: Here’s twenty bucks. Keep the change.

Waiter: You want fries with that?

And don’t think it will stop with trans fat. It won’t be long before we’ll start seeing news stories like this…

City of New York to Ban “Death Drops”

NEW YORK - First it was trans fat; now the New York City Board of Health has set its sights another food danger: peppermints.

New York City restaurants have until July 2007 to phase out these candies which, according to Board officials, pose a significant choking hazard.

“We’re not talking about those small chalk-like chewy mints,” says Health Commissioner Gary Nayschen. “I mean the red and white hard candy disks. After-Dinner Airway Plugs, we at the Board of Health call them.”

Restaurants are encouraged to consider alternatives to the traditional bowl of peppermints by the cash register. Suggestions include offering raw okra pods, “fun-size” boxes of raisins, or sprigs of cilantro tied with tiny festive ribbons.

“They could even provide finger bowls of baking soda at each table, if patrons are concerned about post-dinner breath odor,” says Nayschen. “Just lick your finger, stick it in the baking soda and ‘brush’ your teeth. Then swish and spit into your table spitoon. Sure, you may feel a little awkward at first, but not as awkward as having a waiter grab you to perform the Heimlich maneuver, I’d be willing to bet.”

Nayschen holds up a T-shirt. “It’s part of our campaign to spread the word about the new ordinance,” he explains. “All of us at the Board of Health will be wearing them tomorrow. It says, ‘No More Peppermints--We’re Not Choking.’”
--------------

So start spreadin’ the margarine, New York--at least while you can. And you might consider stocking up on peppermints. Just in case.

Thanksgiving Fare--or Not Fair

NEW: Want to have my weekly humor posts e-mailed to you? You can sign up in the box over to the right.

The following humor column appears in the November 2006 issue of "Suburban Scene" magazine (a local magazine distributed in Anne Arundel County, Maryland).

Have an enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday--and don't forget to help Mom with clean-up.

Thanksgiving Fare--or Not Fair
by Angie Brennan

Okay, whose idea was it to invent a holiday where we spend half the day cooking a meal no one really wants and the other half cleaning it up? And of course, when I say “we” I mean “Mom.” And how is it that Dad gets out of dish clean-up duty year after year? Maybe it started long ago, at the very first Thanksgiving…

The meal was over, Squanto had gone home, and Goodman Smythe was helping his wife in the kitchen. As he scrubbed the heirloom china turkey platter--his wife’s only precious tie with the world they had left behind--he dreamt of a day when the colony would have more than enough food for the winter, sturdy shelters for all, and its own professional football team. Suddenly the platter slipped from his hands, hit the floor, and shattered.

Goody Smythe whirled around and glared at her husband with a mixture of anger and exasperation. “Go!” quoth she in a fearful voice, “Prithee, leave my kitchen--lest ye bring about more harm than help!” Goodman Smythe hurried into the living room, smiling furtively, and settled onto the couch where he spent the rest of the afternoon in front of the television--which wasn’t all that interesting since electricity hadn’t been invented yet. Still, it beat doing dishes.

But enough history--let’s talk about cranberries. What, exactly, is the point? Year after year that unsightly gelatinous mass of cranberry sauce appears at the table. It’s like someone created a festive jiggling centerpiece made of internal organs. Maybe it’s that we find something comforting about those familiar Thanksgiving foods. A little too familiar, perhaps, since it’s probably the same bowl of cranberry sauce nobody ate last year.

Then we have the green beans. It’s a fine concept--serving a healthful holiday vegetable. But don’t pretend you’re engaging in any nutritional heroics with green beans, since they’re edible only when swimming in lard (the green beans, not the eater). I think everyone would be happier if we just dropped the charade and served up a casserole of cream of mushroom soup mixed with cheddar cheese topped with sour cream and crushed corn flakes--and left the green beans out of it.

Of course, we can always look forward to pumpkin pie at the end of the meal. But let’s face it, pumpkin pie isn’t exactly the temptress of the dessert world. It’s not like you see restaurants offering “Triple-Pumpkin Decadence” or “Death by Pumpkin.”

At least the turkey is usually pretty good. Remember how delicious those pre-meal “stolen” pieces of turkey tasted when you were a child? You aren’t still fooling yourself about how sneaky you were, are you? Recall that after you got bored with fighting with your sister and dismantling the decorative cornucopia on the dining room table, you spent the next three hours complaining about how starving you were. If your mother hadn’t allowed you to sneak that turkey and get a little protein into your system, she would have been after you with the carving knife instead of the turkey.

But whatever our Thanksgiving fare might be, once the meal is over we can look around at the smiling, contented faces of family and loved ones gathered around the table and say, with one voice, “Sorry I can’t help with dishes, Mom--I’ll be in the bathroom.” Except for Dad, who’s already staked out his place on the couch.

Doc W's Food for Thought

Wait! Before you take another bite…what are you eating and, more importantly, why?

These are questions marketing professor and “food psychologist” Brian Wansink would like to answer. Dr. Wansink and his team of researchers at Cornell University have been attempting to uncover the hidden motivations behind our eating habits…and they’re not above using a little Beefaroni along the way.

In one experiment, test subjects were asked to eat a plate of Beefaroni and vegetables. Only thing is, the scientific snack was first “accidentally” coughed on by a researcher in front of the test subject. Dr. Wansink discovered that, under these circumstances, people were actually inclined to eat less. Future experiments may include sneezing in the test subject’s bowl of minestrone or singing “Danny Boy” into the subject’s plate of french-style green beans. Results should give us valuable data about the workings of the human mind--assuming participants don’t dump their food onto researchers before stomping out of the room.

According to a review of his recently published book, Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think, Dr. Wansink’s research reveals other insightful food-related observations. Take this one: an open candy dish in your home or office makes it more likely that you will snack on the contents---even when you aren’t hungry. Hold onto your hats and put the lids on your candy dishes, America--the world of nutritional psychology is about to be shaken to its foundations!

Some of the findings have useful everyday applications, such as the one suggesting that a brownie served on a plate of fine china is perceived as being tastier and more expensive than the same brownie placed on a napkin.

I can see it now…

“Why, Louise, what a lovely luncheon you prepared for the Ladies’ Bridge Club. I feel as though I’ve just had afternoon tea at Buckingham Palace! It must have taken you forever to make everything.”

“Thank you, Marsha, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: it took me hardly any time at all. I simply served the food on the heirloom china that once belonged to my great-aunt Harriet. That was no gourmet lunch.”

“You mean--”

“That’s right, Louise--you just ate stale Cheetos and Vienna sausage.”

“No! Who would have thought…but what about those luscious, buttery rolls? Surely they were--”

“Nothing more than balled up slices of Wonder Bread.”

“Amazing!”

“But not a word to the other ladies.”

“No, no, of course not.”

“Now, if you wouldn’t mind, I could use a hand serving dessert.”

“Of course! Ah, authentic Italian gelato.”

“Or so it would seem, Marsha. Actually, it’s slightly frozen chocolate pudding served in expensive crystal parfait glasses.”

“Ha, ha! I’ve got to hand it to you, Louise, you certainly didn’t knock yourself out with lavish food preparations!”

So what can we learn from Dr. Wansink’s observations? Simply this: that the mind is an endlessly fascinating subject for study; that by probing deeply into our subconscious we may gain greater control over our habits and behavior; and that if you want your guests to finish their food, avoid hacking on it in their presence. Even Aunt Harriet’s china won’t save that meal.