Some Camp-y Advice

Dear Angie,

My family is going camping soon and I’ve heard that you should store your food where scavenging animals can’t get it. What are some good ways to do this?

Sincerely,

Foraging for Advice

Dear Foraging,

Ah, nature. Perhaps this poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson will be of inspiration to you:

“The rounded world is fair to see,
Nine times folded in mystery:
Though baffled seers cannot impart
The secret of its laboring heart,
Throb thine with Nature’s throbbing breast,
And all is clear from east to west…”

I may not be able to impart the secret of nature’s laboring heart, but here are three ways to deal with its growling stomach:

1. Tie the food in a tarp and hang it from a high tree. Higher. Still higher. No, no, I’m talking about that 50 foot pine over there. Yes, it’s going be a pain hauling your food up and down every time you want to eat, but I assume you didn’t decide to go camping to be sedentary in a picturesque setting

2. Another method: put your food supplies in a large cooler. Place the cooler on the ground well away from your campsite area. Now obtain an unbelievably foul smelling substance and spread it in a 25 foot circle around the cooler. Light a fire near the cooler (someone will need to remain behind at all times to fire-sit). Next, place a three-foot high barbed wire fence along the inner perimeter of the circle. Okay, think that’ll be enough protection for your pitiful stockpile of canned beans, hot dogs, and instant coffee? Once again, we learn that Nature and its throbbing breast would just as soon you stay indoors.

3. Drive to nearby restaurants for meals (recommended).

* * * * *

Dear Angie,

Do you have any suggestions for camping activities the pre-school crowd can enjoy?

Thanks,

Tot Tent-Time

Dear Tot,

It’s never too early to introduce your little ones to the joys of camping. Unfortunately, there aren't any. Just kidding; of course there are joys! For instance, leaving the campground to head back home.

But let’s get back to your question….here are some ways to involve young children in the camping experience:

1. Play a game of “No, no! Don’t touch that!” Observing an astonishing variety of wildlife is one of the thrills of camping (notice I didn’t call it a “joy.”) This can be particularly exciting for children, whose natural wonder and curiosity have not yet been stripped away by the cares of adulthood. Also, they aren’t very good at identifying poisonous snakes.

2. Increase their “outdoor” vocabulary. Just because your family is recreating doesn’t mean learning has to take a vacation. This trip will provide many opportunities for your child to learn the names of plants, animals, and leading brands of poison ivy medication. Your children will also be introduced to new words as they observe you struggle to assemble the tent.

3. Let them enjoy some grandparent time. Since you’ll probably want to abandon the campsite after 24 hours, drop the kids off at Grandma’s house while you and your spouse finish your vacation at the Hilton.

Have fun, and don’t forget to make those hotel reservations before you leave!

Nothing to Fear but--Well, Lots of Stuff

Dear Angie,

What are some of the more amusing phobias? I’m thinking about acquiring one.

Sincerely,
Fear-Fool

Dear Fool,

The impact of phobias on a person’s life can range from mild to paralyzing. For people suffering from phobias, it’s no laughing matter.

But who says the rest of us can’t have a little fun with them?

Granted, there are some perfectly reasonable phobias, for example, ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) or anginophobia (fear of choking; not to be confused with angieophobia, fear of joking). In fact, I’d say the disorder belongs to those who don’t experience these.

Here’s a useful one for you students: bibliophobia, fear of books: “My paper? Uh, well, you see, Mr. Smith, I was finishing it up last night when I suddenly came down with this, like, really bad case of bibliophobia. I was all, ‘Whoa—these books are totally freaking me out!’ I just had to get out of the house to chill out and, well, that’s why I can’t turn in my paper today. Hey, would you mind sticking that copy of Great Expectations in a drawer or something? It’s giving me the willies.”

Guys: want to get out of mowing the lawn? Tell your wife you think you may be coming down with hypengyophobia, or fear of responsibility. Of course, you may actually have that one.

I’m intrigued with the idea of lutraphobia—fear of otters. What sort of person would be afflicted with this? Perhaps it’s a residual psychological reaction to a story told in ancient times by mothers who would warn disobedient children to behave, lest Roscoe, the Giant River Otter of Retribution, emerge from his underground den to exact punishment.

There are some phobia names that sound a lot alike. That could lead to some interesting situations…

Receptionist: Wilson Dental Group, may I help you?

Caller: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment, but I’m looking for a dentist that can handle my fear issues.

Receptionist: Certainly! Can you tell me a little more about your particular situation?

Caller: It’s just that, well, I have dentophobia.

Receptionist: I see…Hmm. Okay, we’ll see what we can do for you.

~~Later, at her appointment…

Patient: Hello, doctor. Your receptionist did inform you of my fear problem, right?

Dentist: She did indeed. It’s a bit unusual, but we always try to be accommodating. First thing we’ll do is close the window shades. Kathy, would you mind?

Kathy: Certainly, doctor.

Patient: Um…will that help?

Dentist: I think you’ll be more comfortable, considering the fact that there’s a rather large live oak out there.

Patient: A what?

Dentist: Great wads of cotton balls--we forgot to move this fake palm tree! Kathy, let’s get this thing out of here now.

Patient: [sitting up quickly] What does all this have to do with fear of dentists?

Dentist: Wha—dentophobia? We thought you said dendrophobia--you know, fear of trees. Hey, Kathy, bring that palm back in here! [laughing] Well, that was certainly amusing! [starting drill] All right, then, let’s do a root canal! Hey, listen, we’re a little low on Novocain around here--let me know if I get too close to that nerve.

Patient: AAAAAHHHH!

Can’t decide on just one phobia? Consider panphobia—fear of anything and everything.

Good luck!

Dear Angie: Operator Ordeal

Dear Angie,

You know those smiling operators they show on catalogs and advertisements? How come they never answer when I call?

Sincerely,

Bad Mood Standing By

Dear Bad Mood,

Cheerful, pleasant operators are actually an extremely rare member of what scientists call the Tollo Frei family. Not only are they are difficult to locate because of their rarity, but photographing them is a challenge due to their very bright teeth which interfere with F-stop settings on some cameras. Businesses featuring these smiling young women (the female Tolle outnumbers the male by nearly four to one) in their catalogs are therefore forced to pass the high costs of production along to you in the form of outrageous shipping rates. So what do you do when you reach the standard frowning operator, usually not pictured?

Try to put yourself in her headset, so to speak. All day long she’s been receiving calls from people who are dissatisfied about something. People who are ready to complain. People who have been listening to muzak versions of Beatles' hits for the past 15 minutes. Not a good psychological environment to begin with, is it?

And then you come on the line. Why not take it upon yourself to diffuse the tension right from the start? Something like this:

Operator: Mediocre Products; this is Lisa. How can I help you?

You: Hi Lisa. How’s it going? Bet you’ve had it up to here talking with jerks, eh?

Operator: Uh, well—

You: Hey, I hear ya! Listen, Lisa, I know you’re just the gal answering the phone. You basically sit around and gossip until somebody calls, and then you put them on hold. Not exactly managerial stuff, right? It’s not your fault that not only did I wake up with a migraine AND missed a deadline on an important project, but now I’m having to waste time trying to get a replacement for your company’s sham of a product. I mean, what--do you guys outsource your production to Tiny Tots Daycare Center? No, no, I take that back— I bet my three-year-old could've done a better job assembling it. And as for your so-called "customer service"—

Operator: Excuse me, if I could just—

You: No, you can’t “just,” Lisa. I'm afraid we're way past "just." Now let me talk to your supervisor.

Operator: I'll be more than happy to connect you. But first I’ll have to put you on hold for a few more minutes. Hope you enjoy this Lithuanian oboe ensemble performing “When a Man Loves a Woman.”

You: NOOOOOO!!!

See how easy that was? By seeing things from the operator’s point of view, you’re now on your way to talking to the person who can really do something about your problem! Assuming the supervisor knows something about migraines, since yours is going to be a lot worse after those oboes.

Good luck!

Phone-y Nutrition Advice

Dear Angie,

Last month I made a New Year's resolution to lose weight. I thought I was doing pretty well with my eating habits, but the scale indicates otherwise. What can I do? Where can I turn for help? Who's got the answer?

Sincerely,

Weighin' and Watchin'

Dear Weighin',

You no longer have to weigh and watch alone…introducing My Food Phone, a mobile health and dieting application. Here's how it works: snap a picture of your meal or snack using a camera phone and upload the photo to your online food journal where you can keep track of calorie intake, current BMI, and other data. You can share the pictures with friends or with a nutrition expert who will empower you to feel guilty for putting sour cream on your baked potato.

Let's see how a My Food Phone nutrition advisor might analyze one of your meal photos...

"Thanks for 'sharing' your lunch with me! Say, that was quite a burger. Did you eat the entire thing? Judging from the thick slice of cheese, mayonnaise oozing out the sides, and generous-sized meat patty, you should have enough fat to last you well into next week. Today's nutrition forecast: thighs in the upper 40's. Nice try with the salad; next time consider adding some lettuce to your bowl of ranch dressing."

According to their website, My Food Phone will help you "monitor what you eat, modify your eating habits, and get motivated along the way." The company is always looking for ways to improve its services. For example, nutrition experts are currently researching ways to change the phrase "get motivated" into a verb. They'll stop at nothing to motivate you!

As with any technology, there is potential for abuse. Clarida Wanson, a sales associate in her mid-thirties, was browsing the web one evening. Following a link to Flickr, she was stunned to see pictures of her lingerie. Wait--sorry, her linguine. "I was at Fazzini's for a business lunch last week," says Wanson, visibly shaken. "Some sicko obviously snapped a picture of my Linguine Alla Pescatore when I wasn't looking. But about that garlic bread dripping with butter and parmesan cheese…it wasn't mine, I swear! I don't know how it got so close to my plate."

Other chilling incidents have been reported as well. Central City police recently raided the home of Howard Billington, 58. After searching through his My Food Phone journal, they discovered hundreds of photos taken at restaurants, Starbucks cafes, company picnics, and hospital cafeterias. "I've seen a lot of stuff in my day," says Dan Galloway, Central City police chief, "But never a collection of like this. Fudgesicles, microwave chimichangas, Keebler 'Country Style' oatmeal cookies …The victims had no idea their food was going to end up in somebody else's photo journal." Galloway shakes his head. "I came close to quitting the force that day, let me tell you."

But don't let these stories keep you from considering using My Food Phone in your journey toward better health and digital photography skills.

Incidentally, Weighin', judging from the last three sentences of your letter, you may have a potential career in writing country music. I look forward to hearing your hit song, "I Got the Weight of the World on My Shoulders and My Hips." Good luck--and happy picture-taking!

Dear Angie: Holiday Helps

Dear Angie,

Is it tacky to dole out gift certificates instead of putting time and thought into selecting a present? I mean, why not just hand someone twenty-five bucks and say, “Go buy yourself a gift. Here’s a little something for your trouble--and keep the change.”

Sincerely,
Card-Carrying Gift Giver

Dear Card,

My, my--I think I know what the “right” answer is here! Sounds to me like somebody thinks somebody else didn’t spend enough time fighting the crowds at the mall.

But in answer to your not-so-subtle question about the appropriateness of gift cards: it depends. For example, a gift card for ten dollars worth of gasoline, while no doubt useful, would probably not hold the same appeal as specially chosen trunk full of rare coins. But maybe that’s just me.

On the other hand, a $100 department store gift card would beat a Peppermint Medley votive candle with faux-crystal holder every time.

But what about unleaded gasoline versus leaded crystal? That’s not an easy one to answer. Is the crystal in the shape of a stylized swan? Or perhaps two swans with necks intertwined? I can think of very few circumstances in which I would choose intertwined swans over a full tank of gas.

If you’re really determined to get the full Christmas gift experience, simply take your gift card to the mall, buy an unattractive sweater that doesn’t fit, then go back the next day to wait in an hour-long line at customer service to return it.

And stop complaining--at least you didn’t get the swans.

~~~~~~~~~
Dear Angie,

I’ve been visiting Starbucks a lot lately for caffeine hits while out doing my Christmas shopping. Yesterday I noticed that I have a growing collection of those hot drink paper sleeves in my car. What should I do with them? Like, just throw them away?

Thanks,
Grande Guy

Dear Grande,

Don’t trash them just yet! Here are some nifty ways to implement your own holiday recycling plan by re-using those paper sleeves:

• Use them to decorate your caffeine-themed Christmas tree
• Sani-Grip: Use them in public restrooms to grip door handles or push the button on the wall drier. Slip one on each foot, and there’s no need for your shoes to touch the floor! Be prepared for some stares, but as long as nobody breathes on or touches you, you should be okay.
• Use them as a banana platform if you can’t afford or simply refuse to purchase a banana tree (due to weight issues, limit two bananas per sleeve)
• Help for the shy: For a great conversation starter, hang one on each ear. When people ask what you’re doing, you can segue into a discussion of current events (for example, you could reply, “Well, whatever their purpose, they certainly aren’t going to help anyone determine a wise strategy for the war in Iraq.”)
• A little embarrassed about the fact that you’re purchasing store brand tomato sauce instead of Hunt’s? No one need know your little secret! Simply place a paper sleeve around the can and enjoy privacy from the prying eyes of other shoppers
• If you are a light bulb manufacturer with a fairly slow-moving inventory, use them to package your product
• Salsa holder if you don’t mind some clean-up
• Travel muzzle for a young crocodile
• Want to show that special someone how much you care? Forget candy, jewelry, or clothing…declare your love with a creative and unique hand-made Christmas gift! Simply write your clever “sweet nothings” on the outside of a paper sleeve. For example, “Bean” with you is simply “Grande!” or Love you a “Latte.”

So you see, Grande Guy, there are so many different ways to re-use those paper sleeves. Oh, here’s one more: using nail clippers and about 2,500 paper sleeves, cut off tiny pieces to create mulch to go around your front bushes. You should have plenty of free time for that project--especially after that special someone finds out she’s getting a Starbucks paper sleeve for Christmas this year.

Angie's Advice: Space

Dear Angie,
Over the past few decades, our nation has spent billions of dollars on the space program. Okay, so putting a man on the moon was pretty cool. And I wouldn’t want to even think about life without velcro. But what other contributions has NASA made to society? Is the cost worth it?
Sincerely,
Not So Starry-Eyed

Dear Starry,
Many people aren’t aware of the numerous benefits of a vibrant space program. Including me--so if you’ve heard of any, let me know.

Just kidding, space fans! There are lots of benefits--lots! For example, you have NASA to thank for these:

1. Freeze-dried ice cream (available in chocolate, vanilla, and the ever-popular Neapolitan)

2. The term “A-OK”

3. The hit movie Apollo 13, starring Tom Hanks

4. Jokes about wacky mix-ups involving the metric system and lost Mars-bound spacecrafts

5. Hmm, let’s see…

Wait, here we go. From thespaceplace.com:

6. Enriched baby food. These aren’t your grandmother’s mashed-with-a-fork style bananas. No, these are mashed-up bananas that cost much, much more.

7. Ribbed swimsuit. Move over Land’s End--somebody else is moving into the quality swimwear market! A great choice for those who burn easily, since every square inch of skin is entombed in a thick thermal-protective garment. Matching oxygen tank also available.

8. Wedding Sensor System. While I can’t imagine what the application might be for this technology, I’m sure brides everywhere will want to add it to their gift registries and…hold on a minute. My mistake. That should be Welding Sensor System. Well, what the heck, brides--go ahead and register for one of these, too!

And if that isn’t enough, here’s the granddaddy of benefits:

9. The three-dimensional semiconductor cubing package. Bet you didn’t know you had NASA to thank for that one.

I think you’ll agree, Starry, that the billions of dollars you mentioned is money well spent. So open up that velcro-sealed wallet of yours, pay those taxes, and be assured that everything is A-OK!
------

Dear Angie,
The other day someone asked me whether I rigidly held to Hubble’s law of redshift in determining vast galactic distances, or whether I considered the photon half-life as a possible explanation for wavelength anomalies.

Sure, there was a time I would have felt passionately about this issue, but I just don’t know anymore. What should my answer have been?
Sincerely,
Spaced Out

Dear Spaced,
Before I respond to your question, let me first express my surprise. Perhaps you weren’t aware that it’s your duty as American to have an opinion on everything--and to express it using slogans, taunts, and oversimplification of the opposing view. So, in light of this (no pun intended!), here is my position on the matter (sorry!)

First, let me suggest a slogan: “Red Star, Very Far.”

You’ll notice that while it has very little to do with the actual content of the debate, it does rhyme.

Here’s one that introduces the element of mockery, essential in any debate: “Half-Lifer, Half-Wit!”

And, finally, a slogan that lends itself nicely to being chanted by angry astrophsicists: “Hey, hey, ho, ho, Hubble’s strict interpretation of cosmological redshift’s got to go!”

Well, there you have it. And to you scientists who object to the flippant trajectory I’ve taken with this issue, I apologize. In the future, I’ll try to treat the subject of cosmology with more gravity.

Angie's Advice: Vandalism

Dear Angie,
What is it that keeps most people from rearranging letters on roadside reader-board signs? Laziness, ethics, or what?
Sincerely,
Sign of the Times

Dear Sign,
Probably they’re already late for work. Maybe there’s a policeman hanging out nearby. But, no doubt, reader-board rearranging can be a difficult-to-resist impulse. Who among us has driven by a roadside sign that reads “FREE SODA WITH PURCHASE OF BURGER,” and not been tempted to rearrange the letters to spell “O HI HUGS AFTERWARD FOR BEER CUPS.” Not many, I would be willing to bet. Of course, then there’s the question of what to do with that extra “E.” In today’s computer age, I don’t see a problem with creating the word “E-HUGS,” but reader board vandal purists may disagree on that point. Many people, unsure of what to do, simply end up pocketing the “E,” which is why you so often see signs that read: “SAL TODAY!! 50% OFF!!!”

That’s another thing…what’s up with all those exclamation points you always see?

My guess is that reader board sales companies offer them as buying incentives:

Salesman: “So, my friend, what’ll it take for you to bring one of these babies home today? An extra neon arrow on top? You want a model with wheels? Hey, I’ve got it…we’ll throw in a bonus pack of one-hundred brand-spankin’ new exclamation points! How’s that sound? Pretty sweet, huh? Deal? Great!”

The exclamation points, incidentally, can be used in a pinch as a lowercase “i” when turned upside down. Not that I’ve ever really given a second thought to vandalizing reader boards! Ridiculous!

(Helpful Hint: “PLEASE PARK IN BACK” can be rearranged to spell “ASK A CLIPPER BANK.” Discard the extra “E,” unless you prefer to go with “E-BANK.”)
----------

Dear Angie,
The other day, a few of my friends went to hang out at the mall and then to deface some public buildings. I realized later, to my horror, that I had not brought along any paint—not even a stick of chalk. Any suggestions for make-shift graffiti tools?
Sincerely,
Urban Artist

Dear Artist,
Ah yes--what to do if you’ve gone out on the town without your spray can. Not to worry…look no further than your make-up bag! Here are some suggestions:

1. Waterproof eyeliner: Don’t be afraid to try some of the newer “sparkly funky” colors; I think you’ll be pleased with the result.
2. Super Long-Lastin’ Lip Color with SPF 15 lip balm: Bold, beautiful coverage--plus the comfort that comes from knowing your graffiti will be protected from harmful UV rays
3. Face powder, loose or compact: Give your artwork a soft, subdued look by gently patting it with your favorite shade of powder. Experiment with the every-other-letter-powdered look; you can always go back and powder the remaining letters if you feel the effect is too jarring.

Remember, there are no right or wrong substitutions—think outside the box! At least while you can, since you may spend the night in a jail cell if you’re caught. Good luck!

Angie's Advice: Spam

Dear Angie,
Recently I’ve heard that the government is thinking about establishing a tax for e-mails. I find the idea quite disturbing. Have you heard about this? What should be done?
–Stamp Out E-Taxes

Dear Stamp,
Yes, I received an e-mail about that--from the same person that forwarded me the one about blueberry waffles causing arthritis. I’m afraid, my friend, you have fallen victim to FULS: Forwarded Urban Legend Syndrome. When you see those dreaded three letters in the subject line, FWD, remember that there’s a 90% chance it’s going to be a sweet but untrue story, a frightening but untrue story, or in some cases, both. That isn’t to say they’re always false—personally, I’ve switched to cinnamon waffles just in case—but it’s always good to read forwarded e-mails with a good healthy dose of skepticism.

Which brings me back to the e-mail tax…I’m all for it. Just think: if Aunt Edna is going to have to pay, say, 15 cents per e-mail, she’s probably going to think twice about sending you and 27 other people the one about the woman being followed in the mall parking lot by a rabid clown.

As you can no doubt tell, I don't suffer FULS gladly.

-------
Dear Angie,
I recently received an e-mail from a certain Festival S. Chimichanga saying I need to update my account information. It said I should act quickly or my account would be closed. My husband and I are about to have our first child, and I am intrigued by the name “Festival.” I’d kind of like to use it, but my husband prefers “Parfait L. Sagacity.” What do you think?
–Name Game

Dear Name Game,
Remember that a child’s name should not be chosen lightly. I would not recommend using spam-generated names, regardless of how quaint and charming they sound. Do you really want a whim of the moment to become your child’s identity for the rest of his or her life? Select something more meaningful and enduring—perhaps the name of a current reality show star.

Festival is kind of cute, though.